Fortress of the Forbidden Mind

So, it's like

2012-01-23T12:54:00.001-08:00

Beating two rocks together to make fire, while someone else next to you simply flicks a lighter.

Marscon, Crusaders, Gaming, and stuff.

2012-01-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

So, a decade of writing, work, and running is over.

It may not seem like a lot to some people, but it's been a 1/4th of my life. I wrote and ran over 200 adventures and spent a good bit of time planning things. I think it ended well, and I'm actually okay with it.

It's not just that. I think that this year's Marscon was pretty enlightening on a lot of levels. I may not be as vocal or as descriptive as to what that means, but I think that if this year is about changes in my life, it had to start with the ending of some chapters. This weekend began doing that.

It's late now. I hear a train outside, and I feel exhausted. I still can't sleep, but that's okay, I'm just sitting and contemplating a number of things. For the first time in a while, I am beginning to feel a little light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want that to be snuffed, nor do I want to be waiting for another shoe to drop. I hope that I'm able to make the decisions I need to make and be able to truly accept them.

So, I'm feeling it now, the fatigue, and I should wrap this up. I think that it's one of those things that I've put off too much and now it's hitting me. I'll try to be more consistent over the year about this blog, and hopefully, it will be good news.

More Later

- M -

End of the year reflections and other stuff.

2011-12-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

So here we are.

First, I wish everyone had a good holiday. It was up and down for me. My uncle Billy passed away, and it was one of those things we couldn't go immediately home to the funeral. Along with that was the holiday and stresses themselves. Each year things seem to drift a little more from 'traditional' holiday fair to the last minute stressed-out twenty-four hour period in which a lot happens. I guess it's one of those things that we try to coordinate better.

And here we stand: The end of the year. It is hard to believe that 2011 is over, and that 2012 is just days away. The uncertainty I entered 2011 with is not there, but neither is the hopefulness or the desire. I guess each year is different, and how we face each year is different.

It's hard to believe it's almost two years since Dad's been gone. I guess the time has been both clouded with that, as well as the fact that the pain is still recent. I think, or I would like to think, that this year was the year of recovery from that period, but I'm not certain, I just don't know.

I think that this year was the beginning of changes in my life, lasting changes, and that things began to move again after a long period of stagnation and pause due to a lot of events. Part of that was due to the fact I had a lot of things change this last year, but also the realization I had changed. I guess that's most of it in a nutshell: That change had come, and I recognized it as such.

That being said, I think it's 2011 review time:

1. New Job: After leaving my older job for one that fell apart in the beginning of 2011, I got a new job which has mostly worked out...mostly. I don't love the commute, but I think it's not a bad job and I'm learning. I'm actually being treated like a co-worker and equal, which was something missing for a long time.

2. Different relationships: A lot of my older friends have come back into my life, and that's good. I had missed a lot of my old friends, and it was nice to see and hear from them again.

3. Giving up comics, part 3: I gave up comics. Partially due to 'The new 52' and partially due to the fact that I'm perfectly willing to hold up for trade paperbacks. It was something that I felt like time was right on, and I'm actually not sorry.

4. Began to learn new hobbies: I began two new hobbies: Book-Binding and knife-making. The knife-making was pretty much an extension of collecting, while one day I just decided I'd like to learn how to bind books and make journals. I've several old books that need to be re-bound, and I thought it would be kinda neat to learn that skill.

5. Reconnecting with Dad: I began to reconnect a bit with my natural father. This isn't an easy thing, but we had a good, if not great, conversation back in Mid-December, and it was what I needed. I think that ultimately, it may lead to things, and if nothing more, I'm at least hopeful.

6. Saying goodbye: Goodbyes are never good, and never something I like to face. I guess part of me had to come to a point with a lot of my relationships in which I had to determine if I was doing right by me, or right by the other person. I think that ultimately, people do need to occasionally say goodbye to friends, lovers, and even family at times. The reasons are usually born out of anger, rage, or uncertainty, but occasionally, it's born out of a need to let go, to move on. I felt it was time to do that in some cases, or at least change the relationship, because I think it was time, it was time to get things in order, and time to remind myself I wasn't getting younger, and I can't shoulder responsibilities or blame for things I can't control.

7. Turning 40: I remember being 11 when I was asked what I thought of where I would be and what I would be doing when I turned 40. I had these images of plans of being a father, being successful, owning my own house, and being able to do the things I liked to do. I never thought I would be where I am, with just myself or still renting an apartment. I guess things don't always work out the way you want them to. I turned 40 and I realized I had begun to feel like I had lost out somewhere...that the best and most hopeful moments of my life had passed me by...that I was just waiting for opportunity that I couldn't see or experience. The feeling was powerful and unshakeable, and it took me months to begin to get rid of it. I'm not saying I'm over it, but I think that things are moving past that.

So, that's the year for me. I think that there was a lot more, but that's what I'm sharing at the moment.

More later

- m-

The missing dice and other mysteries from the past!

2011-12-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

So, Here we are. A little more than two weeks before Christmas, and a little more than three weeks before the beginning of 2012. Where did the time go? 2011 just seemingly got here, and now it's gone.

Maybe that's the problem with growing old, that you begin to see the passage of time more clearly, or at least, we're forced to perceive it more clearly. It doesn't seem that long ago when things were very different, 2001, and that recovering from various events of the year previous. I guess if I could go back ten years, I'd be hesitant 'bout that year.

No, not going there. Too much on my mind as of late. Old memories and older mysteries are still swirling. Got to thinking about GLOBE again, and thinking 'bout some of the better memories. I've heard that as you get older, the past isn't as harsh. I hope that's true...I'm optimistic. No, not optimistic....just hoping a little. Optimistic implies a little more belief than I'm willing to part with.

Got to thinking about the great Dice controversy. Basically, I had gone to KOST up in Westminster, met fellow gamers, and invited them back to play in Baltimore the next week. Turns out, one of them wasn't actually involved with KOST that much, and showed up to GLOBE robbing people blind when they weren't looking, including my prized dice and other items. I guess it was the first real issue of theft I had to deal with since I was a kid, but it was something I still remember. Hell, it's been over twenty years now, and it's still something that raises ire with me. I remember the face, but not the name of the thief. Maybe I won't have to remember that either.

Too many memories I would like to forget, and just remember the good. I think that's part of the issue I've now got: I'm seeing things for the good and occasionally forgetting the bad. I figure if the indications are where they are, I should be forgetting the bad of 2001 sometime in 2021, and maybe 2011 will pass by 2031. One can hope, right?

I need to focus on things here, now. I need to get things moving or I'll get stuck. I've been pretty sore lately and doing a crappy time of keeping it quiet. Things, events, and people have done that, and I'm trying to let things go. Here is a hint: I'm pretty angry 'bout some things, I'm just really good at hiding it. I'm just hoping I'll get over the issues and let things go soon.

I miss gaming. I miss my friends. I miss doing something creative that I want to do. I think that I'm basically tired of being the 'support' for people and things. I need to get out of that role and get back to basics, for me, or else. I can feel the stress eating away at me every day, not in a good or tolerable way. I might even go back to Baltimore to visit. I must be crazy or heading there.

Why put that out there? Why share? Mainly because I need to get it out of me and let go of things. I don't do that, it's killing me. I can't let that happen. Too much is still depending on me. I guess I'm tired of that too. I don't feel anything but old and alone, and I'm not supposed to be to that point yet. Guess I'm just having mid-afternoon blues. Depression is hard to fight, it fights dirty, even with medications.

Found myself editing this. Shouldn't be doing that: It's supposed to be steam-of-consciousness right? I'm supposed to just put thoughts and feelings out there, not edit. Still too worried 'bout what things are to worry 'bout what would be said/taken from these spur of the moment thoughts. I shouldn't be so polite about it.

More later.

- M -

What do we lose?

2011-11-21T06:57:00.000-08:00

It's not out of guilt I am returning to the blog. I think I was fine just letting things sit for a while, and while I did that, I guess I began to have the notion that I should at least address how I felt 'bout things, and what I should be saying.

Why say it here? Why open up now? I guess mainly because I need to get good with those thoughts that are inside of me, that tear a little bit of me away and make it inhospitable for the better parts of me to truly find their place.

I'm worried. I'm worried 'bout the fact that Ma needs a lot of help and I can't always provide it. I'm slipping away from the things and people I care about, and I'm just beginning to feel like an emotional and spiritually bereft zombie, wandering aimlessly while unaware of how things are.

No, that's not quite it. I am fully aware of how things are. I've made decisions that affect the people closest to me, shut myself off from potential in order to preserve something inside of me, and basically ended up alone. That's the ironic part: The people who think it would be a great curse that you are alone aren't really alone most of the time.

I'm just tired I guess.

More later

- M -

A month and change

2011-10-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

So I figured I'd better post something or else risk simply being sucked into Facebook forever.

The problem is that so much to say and not enough time to say it. No, scratch that, too much time to say things....which leads of course into having to remember the polite half-lies that are used in general conversation and also to regret of actions.

I've been lapsed in posting over this last year. Partially it's been the situation, and partially it's been my own laziness: I keep putting off words here, a review there, and before you know it, a month passes without a post.

Well, I'll try to remedy this in the future. I cannot promise, because as we all know, promises are just that: possibility of hopeful action. I'll just say I'll try to do more.

Sometime over the weekend I'll post something more thought provoking and perhaps even personal, but for now, it's just a quick note.

- M -

An Earthquake, a Hurricane, and the destruction of DC Comics.

2011-08-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

I figured it was perhaps a bit too long between posts to allow it to be decent. After all, a month between postings is a bit more than I would like, and certainly, I don't want to make the blog feel more neglected than it already is.

With that being said, I find myself on a Monday morning attempting to sort through the last week and prepare for the next week. Ever feel that your caught between three places/events and you can't make that decision because you're in the sweet spot....that perfect place where indecision reigns supreme? That's what it feels like.

Amid this the Earthquake happened. On Tuesday of last week, we had ourselves a 5.8 earthquake that had an epicenter no less than 50 miles from the house. I admit that it had been some time since I was in an Earthquake, but it was an experience, and while I wasn't throwing my arms up shrieking like a little girl, I did decide to leave work early to go and check on everything, including Bixby the Cat. As it turns out, all was well (Except some little things), and a few cracks in the plaster which will be fixed at some point.

Turn right around three days later and Hurricane Irene made her presence known. I've been through several hurricanes, the two burned into my memory are David (1979) and Isabelle (2004). Isabelle was special mainly because of the loss of power for five days. David was the first time I had seen tornados spawned by hurricanes, and I had just purchased Micronauts King-Sized Annual #1, one of my favorite comics of all time. Irene however had something else.

Of course, everyone was in full-on panic mode looking for the essentials - Water, Toliet Paper, and Religion. I would like to say that I went venturing for bottle water twice before finally getting it, and that shows how crazy some things are if hyped enough. Low and behold Irene arrives, and mainly it's a matter of losing power and waiting in the dark for power to be restored.
Good times.

It gave me a great deal to think about, because I'm about as active during a blackout as my lamps are. I did however have a plethora of books recently purchased from the 'Borders' fire-sale, and I caught up on reading. Also went over a few graphic novels I had purchased but not read, and I am now utterly convinced DC Comics is making the worst move possible for itself.

The relaunch 'goes live' at the end of this week/next week, and I've made a personal vow to not support it. I'm not one of those who are screaming on how it will destroy the industry, nor am I yelling on how things need to adapt. I think however, the reasoning is not solid nor logical, and the changes are robbing the one thing that makes DC unique: It's iconic status. Consider this - the Superman costume has been an evolution from first appearance, but certain elements have always remained constant, and in some cases, questionably so. The point is, that there is an iconic element to things, something that makes the character truly transcend printed pages, and to work against that image is counter-productive: What new readers will one attract through this new means of 'modernization'? The truth is - A six month bump in sales, until like all disposable entertainment mediums, the 'newness' wears off, and people are left with a choppy, uneven product which cannot easily be fixed. Ignoring the existing fanbase is a hell of a thing to do, as most of the fanbase has the sort of extra income that makes sales...and what gauls me, what really gauls me, is that Dan Dido believes this will save DC Comics, with the full knowledge it is nothing more than a publicity event.

The 1990s were a terrible time in comics, as the reinvention of mythologies were pattered after three works: Watchmen, The Dark Knight, and Image Comics. Even Alan Moore admits that Watchmen should have Never been taken to the level of impact and influence it was. If readers have noticed, Moore has gone out of his way to undo the deconstructive aspects of his writing in such books as Promethea and Supreme. As for Frank Miller - Frank Miller is wrapped around his own ideology - Batman wasn't in need of the darker and grittier re-work that was the story - It took something out of the 'Detective' in 'Dark Knight Detective'.

As for Image, let's look for a moment: Name me one storyline that existed from the original Image line-up that the public at large may know. The odds are that 9/10 readers could tell you about the break-up of the founders, the internally issues, the lateness of the books, or the infamous Image Unlimited which still hasn't seen the light of day. Jim Lee is a man whose artistic abilities I truly respect and find impressive, but his choices, storylines, and problematic resolutions show that he shouldn't be part of the restructuring of the DCU.

I do not work in the industry, I admit that...but I am a fan, I am a fairly informed individual, and I'm most importantly a very vocal critic when I see something wrong. It doesn't take a dedicated fan to see that the destruction of our shared mythology in the DCU is a wrong course of action, and the omission of the rich legacy of books (AND ESPECIALLY THE JUSTICE SOCIETY) is a huge mistake, a mistake which has made me decide to not only not purchase any DC related material, but boycott websites, cons, and perhaps even movies. I think that if a company has so little respect for their creations that they would simply 'reboot' to avoid issues they've created, I've got no time or money to put into it.

So...that's about it.

More later

- M -

MMORPGS: Why play solo in an MMO?

2011-07-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

It is bound to happen that in the digital age, a long-time VG player would seek to play one of the more popular Massive Multiplayer Online (MMO) games, such as World of Warcraft, Lord of the Rings Online, City of Heroes, Age of Conan, and others. While each game has its fans, both casual and rabid, and each game has its own unique culture, currency, and lifespan, the big issue is why play in groups?

Some would argue that the grouping experience and advancement process is the reason. True, a player can advance usually more quickly within a group, and many players who enjoy the group experience find the in-game rewards more rewarding. Too often, the MMOs are dominated by those who enjoy the sense of competition and victory over large scale events (Raids) or against other players in Player Versus Player (PVP) environments. While there is no right or wrong method of playing, there is great debate about the decision of a small group of people who prefer to play such games alone (Solo Play).

Clearly, websites are dedicated to group play. Society often sees the MMOs as solely a group experience, and not usually a solo experience. There is a lot of debate regarding why someone would seek to play an MMO as a solo player in the first place, as they would 'defeat the purpose' of an MMO. In the debate, a player is better suited to playing a traditional game rather than an MMO, as socialization is part of the MMO background. I strongly disagree.

The simple fact, the primary term for MMOs is actually MMORPG: Massively Multiplayer Online ROLE PLAYING game. The debate on what Role Playing as a terminology has been reduced to the idea you make a character and level that character. Socialization varies greatly, as most groups are bound by goals and/or advancement, and not really the personal interaction or story-driven sort of games that older RPG fans are used to. I'm not suggesting this cannot happen, but I am suggesting that more often than not, the concern from the mass audience of players is more concerned with Raid dynamics, gear levels, and PvP than developing a reasonable game.

At the same time, I'm a player of MMOs, although I prefer to play solo more often than not. Why is that? Is it because I'm anti-social? Is it due to the fact that I have my own goals and/or desires that groups tend to turn away from? Is it that I don't like my fellow players (See Anti-social)? I think it's actually more basic for me, but I think that it's best explained to explain my own relationship with MMOs.

Like most older players, I started MMOs with either Neverwinter Nights (On America Online) and/or more aptly, with EverQuest. EverQuest really established itself as the guidelines for most games, including WoW, in so far as player expectations, Memes, behavioral patterns, and terminology. While 'Noob' as a term was in existence prior to Everquest (or EQ), it was really brought to the fore-front as were hundreds of other terms, catchphrases, and concepts which predominate every MMO since. My experiences with EQ were not always good ones: I was once robbed of all my possessions by a guild-mate, was stranded in areas by groups that I could not easily retreat from, had to deal with the terrible grinding experience that was levelling a character, and nearly always poor from not being able to earn enough to get good equipment. All of these issues happened within the first three months of EQ's launch, and it soured my expectations. I stuck with EQ for some time, until an incident I like to call The Saturday Spider Incident.

In essence, I was grinding my way through EQ, hunting spiders for spider-silk, which I would then turn into thread and sell at the newly unveiled auction houses. I had done this for four hours when my Dad dropped by and asked me what I was doing. As I explained it to him, he asked a simple question: Was I gaining any useful benefit from my current activity. It was true, I wasn't levelling, I wasn't actually doing anything than trying to earn money, and the pittance I would have earned would actually require me to do harder work, but it was my skill-set. I stopped immediately, logged out, and shut down the game. I had come to realize I wasn't playing to have fun, I was playing because I felt I was obligated. In that, I had no qualms about quitting.

Fast forward several years to 2003 and the pre-launch of the popular MMO City of Heroes (COH). The Game was everything I liked - Super Heroes, Bright Costumes, and actions. I recall being one of the only one of my friends playing, and it got me through the summer of 2004 and early 2005 during my depression. For a time, it wasn't bad, it was an experience of the game wasn't like my previous experience with EQ. I became involved with other games, Such as WoW, Matrix: Online, Star Wars Galaxies, and other games during my serious bout with sickness, and I found each had the strengths and weaknesses I liked, but the groups were way too obnoxious for open play. Invariably, COH provided the group dynamics I liked, and as more of my friends joined, I had a better experience over-all...but I remained a solo player.

The solo aspect of those later games was sparse, using the EQ model of requiring groups to achieve higher levels. The problem was, I could only play at certain points or would only be on for twenty minutes a day, and couldn't really be part of a large group for long. I think that was what really soured me onto MMOs in the first place: You needed a group in order to achieve things, and you had to commit a large chunk of time to playing if you wished to advance. As for myself, I didn't mind...at the time....because there wasn't much else to do.

With that being said, I found I drifted more and more into the 'loner gamer' role. I sought MMOs as the graphics were lush and they were always dynamic, unlike regular games which were fixed in their stories and activities. There was a sense of accomplishment lacking from other games, and if I did want to team with my friends, I had the option to do so. Even later RPG games couldn't match the versatility and involvement from other games, and I think that there was something to also be said for the fact that being part of a community at any level was welcome at times. People I worked with who I never thought would have anything in common with played MMOs, and we often had discussions if not short diatribes about our love and hate of the common game. There was benefit in the group style play, but it came as a cost: Players often were in competition with one another, either intentionally or unintentionally, and it became problematic. People tended to become 'experts' with little real knowledge of the intrinsic nuances of a particular game, and nearly everyone had at least one group member who was problematic and simply lacked common sense, ability, and/or skill to not 'aggro' (Draw groups of enemies) into unnecessary groups.

There was a larger issue, and that was I wanted to accomplish something more that was being done. I had characters I wanted to do things with, new concepts I wanted to try, and more often than not, use my MMO time as a means to de-stress. The last thing I wanted to do was enter another world of different stresses, or deal with problems that I was either involved with or felt I had to become part of in order to achieve that short burst of endorphins from a successful venture. I realized I sucked at PvP, not because I lacked the skill to play, but I just didn't feel it was right to have to humiliate someone or be humiliated by someone to prove my superiority. I didn't need that, as it was a major turn-off (as anyone who has ever been bullied might attest to). In short, while it was nice to group, it was only if I could do so on my terms, otherwise I would prefer to just play alone or with a trust couple of friends.

Sadly, MMOs do not cater to the solo player. Most MMOs almost slavishly require a devotion to larger groups in greater numbers to accomplish the highest tier of rewards. Without a means to achieve this by oneself, it becomes essential that a person find groups to accomplish their goals, and that by itself can lead to the experience being less than pleasurable. While many new players do not have the experience or knowledge to see that the basic format of group play is still relying on the map from EQ, most players simply see the solo player as 'not getting it' or 'lacking the understanding of the game', despite the years of experience I and others might have with it. There is nothing really to address the desire for solo play amidst a group of players, it's simply a fact that a majority of the games focus purely on larger groups.

I think that MMOs must adapt past the EQ mentality to meet the new generation of gamer, whose love for a particular game may only last for four to six months. If a MMO truly wants to maintain itself in the day and age of the Playstation generation, they will need to focus past the experience of EQ and embrace a larger concept that would include more solo events for those players like myself - The older adult with capital to spare, who would pay for a good MMO dedicated to the casual player.

More Later

- M -

Guess I'm sad

2011-07-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

There is an unbreakable curse after all.

More later

- M -

A little poetry

2011-06-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

So I've had a spat of creativity.

Or lack thereof.

How 'bout some poetry?

Ancient Mariner
(An ode to that poem)

I feel I'm one or the other
The Mariner or the Albatross
The crossbow or the crossbow bolt
Maybe I'm neither - I'm the ice
Forbidding and Entrapping
Choking and Frigid
Immense and mysterious
No, I'm the mariner
forced to tell the tale
forced to fire the bolt
forced to kill a bird
who was just helping
I'm lost in the ice
I'm lost on the sea
No water to drink
No grace to have
home by accident
On second thought
scratch all of that
I'd rather be the Bridegroom

Thoughts?

Things are better.

2011-06-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

Been a helluva week.

By that, I mean it really hasn't, but the heat is becoming unbearable here, and generally, I'm beginning to fall into the 'I hate Summer only because it's hot' phase of things.

I cannot tell you exactly how things are better, but I'm not in the funk, and as I said last time, it's one of those things I must work through on occasion (Or a lot depending). I appreciate the kind words of encouragement, love, and concern from everyone (Especially you Chi-Chi! :D)

First Class was actually pretty cool, although there was no angry Kevin Bacon Footloose dance number. I think that would have made it the awesomest! (I just created that word, anyone using it owes me a quarter).

Trying to finish the work day and get home. I'd like to be able to get caught up on a lot of things tonight, which is my general plan, but as all plans, I've little faith in it actually happening, so I'll probably not put faith into keeping it.

You know what's funny? None of my elementary teachers teach at my elementary school now. I guess I'm getting old.

More later

- M -

A few confessions.

2011-06-02T07:37:00.001-07:00

So it is confessional time I suppose. We're all due occasionally either in the church of our minds or spirit to admit our flaws, or even simply state something we're hesitant to discuss. In some cases, we're trying to free ourselves of unwanted memories and/or images that pervade the waking world, and it's never an easy task as in my case, those memories have a tangible hold on me as real as if they were in the room.

I'm just not feeling better. I thought I should be, would be, at this point. I thought I would be able to outlast the depression and basically emerge reforged into something I'm not nor will be. I thought ultimately that I would not be dragged down in the hellish idea of self-worthlessness and a feeling of utter despondency that most depression leads to. I thought for a while it wouldn't last as long as it has, but it's entering a solid decade, and I can't seem to do more than alleviate it.

I'm used to having self-doubt, and at the same time, getting up every morning and forcing myself to be focused. There is no doubt what I could accomplish if I didn't have this on my back, because I've been able to keep on my feet this entire time, through the issues with loss and the painful issues of my past. I've just begun to realize I'm not actually moving forward, I'm not moving, and while some would see this as better than the alternative, I don't.

So, this is my confession.

I suffer from severe depression, and paired with a killer memory, means I relive every fight, every moment of pain, every taunt, every wrong decision, and every repressed moment of anger in my life. I remember bullies from when I was five. I remember failing to tell a teacher I failed a test in 8th grade. I remember hurting the woman I loved and having to embarrassingly tell her I was dating someone else. I remember being mocked, punched, and made to feel so small that I would have gladly disappeared if it were possible. I remember being made to feel insecure by the people I loved the most, and I remember the pain in learning that effectively, my real father went on with his life, and that even my youngest half-sister has had more time with him than I ever did or will. I remember being beaten by groups of children, just enough to cause me to cry out, and not enough to put me in the doctor's office. I remember the terrible rage that blotted out memory and ultimately, the sorrow I felt for beating someone so bad and wanting them to die. I remember that terrible Tuesday in which I had to go find my pet cat, dead, after the kids at middle school taunted me with it. I remember 'getting sick' at school in order to leave, and then being forced to do things to get sick. I remember being left behind, picked last, forced to give up the things I loved, and ultimately, being told 'That's just how life is'. I remember being a dumbass when I had a massive allergic reaction to something and taunting the kids in the class who were responsible, because I knew I had them by the balls. I remember costing my friend something he wanted most of all, and did so out of spite. I remember scaring Erik and being thoughtless, and the arguments with his mother in which things were said that can never, ever be unsaid. I remember my stepdad, laying there, holding my hand and not really with me, the morphine clouding his ability to see, and that he told me he loved me for one of the first times. I remember trusting people in Baltimore, having them turn my trust inside out purely for spite and because it was "fun". I remember being on the floor of a hotel bathroom during an event that I wanted to be part of, wanting desperately not to be so alone in the world and finding out I was. I remember thinking I would be an author by now, a real author, but lacking the fire or ability to make it happen. I remember all of this and more, and it's hard to see past it sometimes.

The regrets, the pain, and the rage mix together. I try to push them back until I choke, and sometimes I am successful or marginally able to. Today, it's just harder than most, and there is no reason for it. I'm hoping to master this, to somehow gain better handles so I don't feel this way all the time, and sometimes I do...but...the memories don't go away.

I'm just in a funk. Ignore me.

More Later.

how 'bout a post?

2011-05-17T10:45:00.001-07:00

So I have been more than a little lapsed lately. A lot of it has to do with the changes in both job and having to change-up a little more here and there. I've been working on figuring out what the next six months looks like, unless the world really does end on Saturday, and then it won't be important, will it?

There is a truth that I've been ignoring, and that is while I'm working a bit more steadily on getting back into a creative groove, I'm not necessarily being as focused as I need to be. Part of this is me dealing with issues of the past, and part of it is working towards figuring out what I really, truly want. With that said, a benefit (and a drawback) of the new job is the ability to think, which is never as good as one would think, when the past returns in open reflection.

Nah, I'm not going into the dark places today. I think instead I'll focus on one thing I have as a good memory from the 1985 period. For those just joining the show in progress, my Mom had remarried for the first time, a man who was older and was an alcoholic. Combined with moving to a place where I was effectively a target due to my quiet ways and thick southern accent, there wasn't a lot of good things in my life. On the one hand, I can remember that time very clearly, but on the other, there were a lot of abusive situations that I can't seem to forget. Some day I might go into detail on why I wanted to quit school at 14 because I was honestly afraid to go to school and that I'd either get hurt or accidentally hurt someone else.

So, here is my good memory.

Most of the time, there was little to be happy about. I didn't have a lot of friends (God Bless Bobby Weeks, where ever you are for being one of them), and going home was like navigating a demilitarized zone. I had very little outside of my comics, and I was very very unhappy. Fridays however were one of my only comforts.

Friday afternoons I would walk from my middle school to the nearby pizza place, "Brother's Pizza", which was owned by an Italian family. I would stay in the pizza place for two hours, often getting a slice and a coke and waiting for my Ma to come and get me. I'd play the jukebox, read, work out anything I wanted, and just be. This was my place, and it was so important to me I celebrated my 14th Birthday there. It was quintessential to me, and it was the little thing that helped me keep going.

I've not talked a lot about that time of my life here. Those that know me may not know how awful it truly was. I think that it was the first time I felt completely worthless. There is nothing worse that being 14 and feeling like you have nothing in your life worth having, or worse yet, being alone. Leonard, my first Stepfather, was nothing like Hoyt. Leonard was verbally and emotionally abusive, and ultimately, my mother left him...but it took a while. I think that between not having any support there and being continually abused and bullied at school, it was a real miracle I didn't snap at that moment (but I did do so later in 1985, another story).

Twenty-six years have passed, and yet, I still think of those afternoons in Brother's Pizza, the long Fridays that were my salvation from those parts of my life that were absolutely terrible, the books and ideas I had, and the fact that I was welcome and trusted there. There was something about that place and those times that still give me comfort, and I've not found a place that had as good pizza. I guess we all have those places in our lives, those strange and wonderful safe harbors that make the world a bit more bearable, and shape us for the better if we are lucky.

More Later, I promise.

- M-

Captain America Full Trailer!

2011-03-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah!

They released the full trailer, and I'm impressed!

This will officially be 'The Awesome'

More of the same, or is it?

2011-03-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I buried my Dad.

It wasn't something that was unexpected, it was something that we had prepared for. Dad had pancreatic cancer, and he wasted away in front of us, in constant pain, and was in the end reduced to being unable to get out of bed.

I've often commented since then that it is a fate I could not, would not, wish upon my worst enemy. It's something that I honestly feel I can't express in words the utter feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that comes over you. Even a year and some change later, it hurts as fresh in some ways as the June day we found out he had Pancreatic Cancer.

I have often tried to put up the front that I'm unchanged, but I have changed. In the last year, I've become less forgiving to myself and others, and whether my friends truly understand, know, or acknowledge, it's one of those things where I hadn't really had to 'grow up' until that moment, and while I knew loss, I didn't have to watch it.

I guess I was lucky in a lot of ways. Hoyt was a good man, and he taught me a lot of things I needed to learn. I didn't get everything I needed, but I got enough, and that was fine in the end. I was unable to truly express how things affected me until recently, and it is one of those things that I'm uncertain if I can ever truly understand.

Since then, all new fears and stresses have crowded me. There are choices on the horizon which will affect not only me, but others as well. I'm going to have to make them, and ultimately, I'm going to have to tell people what I feel and how I feel it. I'm not keeping things, I don't want people to think that, I'm just going to have to deal with conflicted ideas of what I feel is right and wrong for me as a human being. Part of it is that I need to get out from the stress I'm under supporting family, part of it is I need to be able to get to a point where I'm not stressed out about my future and what's going to be in it.

I feel like there are no breaks, and maybe that is true, but I can take it. I think people forget that....I'm more than capable of dealing with it.

More later

- M-

Post 40 and other thoughts

2011-03-11T07:43:00.000-08:00

So it happened without much of a fuss, the turning 40 and everything in between. I figured it would be something that would be monumental, but as it turned out, it was another day like any other, except for the rain and the other issues that were associated.

As with most of life, I'm seeing things about the same. Too many directions are beckoning for attention, and too many things are pulling at me that I allow to do so. Ultimately I suppose I have to face the difficult choices I've either denied or attempted to resolve but need to cut away. I've wrestled with the idea that if I make the hard choices, it will make me a bad person, but in reality, I know it won't...it will make things a little sadder and perhaps a little empty, but I'll survive, I've always had to.

I looked for whatever reason to the status of my first Stepfather, Leonard. I guess I needed to come to terms with him, and come to terms with that point in my life. I think I have, and it's helped. I think also I have to remind myself and the people closest to me that I choose my own path, and that if I make a choice, endure a situation, deal with pain, it's a choice. As such, it's also my choice to shake those feelings and situations off, which I feel I might need to do. I can't shoulder or shelter people anymore, it's just not in me to do.

We'll see.

More Later

- M -

Tomorrow is the Day

2011-02-21T07:38:00.001-08:00

So, tomorrow is a big day. I'll probably post something depending on the mood tomorrow. This is more or less filler...

Although, I have to say, driving back last night I passed through Lousia county and got a first-hand look at the smoke and fire from the Forest Fire. That wasn't fun.

Now it's supposed to snow 1-4 inches tomorrow. Awesome!

Mark

Fandom-ness!

2011-02-09T05:38:00.001-08:00

So, I was thinking it had been a while since I had geeked out, and reported on things that interested me fandom-wise. Such transgressions shouldn't be avoided, when possible, and I realized so much had occurred I should actually respond to it.

Hrmph.

Er.

Eh.

So, where to begin?

1. Introduction to your Gunslinger:
So, it looks like Roland is cast from Stephen King's The Dark Tower: It's Javier Bardem, from No Country for Old Men.

On the one hand, I think he's a great actor and definitely could make that 'Grizzled Man with No Name' look work for Roland, but I never saw Roland as Javier, I saw Roland as more Viggo Mortenson.

2. Catwoman and Bane cast in The Dark Knight Rises:
The big news in recent memory was the casting of Selina Kyle and Bane in Chris Nolan's TDKR, which surprised a lot of people with the choices. I have to admit, I was dead set against Heath Ledger initially as the Joker (Mistake on my part), so I trust Chris Nolan's direction and I think that representing Bane as he appears in the comics is a spot-on challenge for Batman and fits pretty well in the microcosm of Nolan's Batman films.

So who got Cast? Tom Hardy (who incidentally is also taking over as Mad Max in Fury Road)as Bane and Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle:

I need to learn to center these better, don't I?

3. The Main Geekout:

It doesn't look like it will suck. That is good. I am appeased....for now....

More Later

- M -

Looks like the New Year Post took long enough.

2011-02-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess it took too long, didn't it? Whether I liked it or not, it took too long indeed.

So, howdy.

How's the year treating you so far? I hope so far you're doing well. I wish I could report on the fast-paced life I'm leading, but it's a little far from that. No, strike that...it' the same in many ways, but it's neither here nor there.

As I said a few months ago, I joined the Facebook back in November 2009 to reconnect to an old friend as well as keep people updated about Dad. I've been able to find missing friends and reconnect to a lot of people I knew at different stages of my life. I've even been able to reconnect to my half-sisters in Kentucky, giving me a semblance of being able to share in their lives. It's one of those things that I've been able to say has worked.

Last week, I found one of my friends when I was kid who I've been looking for. That was a good experience, and I've both added him to my friendship list and also sent him a note to just say 'Hey'. I guess in many ways, I'm getting nostalgic as I often do around this time of the year to try and find the people who passed out of my life.

That's an odd expression, isn't it? To say someone 'passes' out of your life sounds like that it's all random moments of interaction bound up in consistent relationships. As a student of human interaction, it's interesting to see how it is we ultimately influence those around us, and how we change and are changed by those we influence.

I wish I could say that it's all wine and roses, and that finding the people who were in my life was as easy as keeping them there. I've lamented the loss of those relationships, felt blame and guilt for hurting them, and angry when they've turned neglectful. I've been thankful for them, and deeply saddened in their ultimate passing, but I think that over-all, the thing that escapes me is the chances to say goodbye properly and/or to end things on a good note.

Endings. Now there is a topic I think I could devote half a dozen posts about, on how a casual word or inconsiderate action ends things between people. We're all guilty of those moments, and while we don't always see that fact or even accept it until it is too late, it's still a thing that bonds every one of us to one another. We all have been guilty, but in that guilt is a chance to assuage and make amends. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one person to be culpable of being hurtful to others, if not themselves.

I suppose I'm waxing poetic to the fact that I'm basically seeing things end and begin all over again. I'm a strong believer in cyclical relationships, that is to say, the philosophy that everything in life is cyclical and plays out time and again. I think growth truly comes from understanding that fact and changing the course of the cycle to prevent the mistakes made previously. I think that sums up everything pretty well, and a cornerstone of my philosophical makeup. If we can't recognize things, we lose...simple as that.

No, it's not just philosophy. It should be a corner perspective on how we seek to treat others, and that includes I guess making the attempt to reconnect with people who knew us when we were early teens. For myself, I do not regret that, nor do I regret simply letting go of some people who I can't hold onto for whatever reason. Some people you have to let go due to distance, others you have to let go because it's time, and still others you have to let go because the relationship is toxic. There is always hope to reclaim those relationships, as I do believe that time heals all wounds, but at the same time, some wounds leave terrible scars, and that can be enough to deter even the most determined individual.

So, a little off-topic. I should perhaps say something about the state of the world, how jaded I feel that we've become media-wise, or how such things impact the tides and/or the beliefs of society, but that's not the purpose here. It's the 'Fortress of the Forbidden Mind', not the 'Political-Social-religious' blog.

More Later

-M-

The end of 2010

2010-12-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

I figured it had been enough time that I should post, and I figured since it was the last day of 2010 I would make it today.

I cannot say that I'm not happy to see 2011. In truth, I have been anticipating the end of this year since perhaps September, as 2010 wasn't an easy year to deal with. I've got a little hope for 2011, stemming from the illusionary fact it's a new year and that things should be better.

2010 was the year I lost my Dad, that I changed jobs, and that I had to see the people closest to me endure a lot of pain I honestly hoped would never be faced. If any real lesson was to come out of 2010, it was that things change, and that the last vestiges of childhood even at my age had to be put away in order to deal with the all too real adult problems. This is not to say that I'm ungrateful for the year, for there were some good things that came out of it, ranging from my ability to see Erik graduate to getting Bixby the Cat. In total however, I think 2010 was perhaps a year that tried a lot of beliefs, and left me wondering.

With that said, I think that 2011 might be better, and if nothing more, allows the chance for me to make some necessary and needed changes. I applied to graduate school, began a new job, and I've seriously begun to look for a new place to live. I'm not certain what the future holds, but I hope it will be a bit brighter, not just for me, but for all of us.

So goodbye to 2010, and hello to 2011.

- M -

Tommie Sue Thorpe

2010-11-21T06:33:00.000-08:00

I just found out one of my mother's friends died in 2001, and we didn't know. Tommie Sue was more than a friend to my mother, she was in many ways a guide and mentor to me, and introduced me to 'Dune' as well as other things. I first met Tommie sue when I was nine, and she was both a kind woman who was full of life as well as a funny, energetic, and full of life.

During some of the worst points of both my mother's and my life, Tommie Sue was there, often offering both a soundboard to my mother and comfort to me. I say this with all sincerity, if not for Tommie Sue, it is incredibly possible that neither my mother or myself would have survived or made the choices that Tommie Sue helped shape.

Tommie Sue was my mother's maid of honor when she married my Dad, and was a big part of their lives for the first few years of their marriage. I remember one Halloween where Tommie Sue advised my mom about Hoyt, and it was due to that situation that I believe truly cemented Hoyt's relationship with my mother.

As with many friendships in life, Tommie Sue slowly faded out. Returning to her native Alabama, there were fewer moments of contact and ultimately, a few years passed between communications. After Dad passed, Mom made an effort to relocate many of their friends, and ultimately found out this last week that Tommie Sue had passed on March 15, 2001. It seems difficult to understand how we didn't know, and the sense of loss is palpable. Dad died on the 17th of March, a fact that really hit my mother hard.

I loved Tommie Sue, she was always kind to me, and one of my parent's best friends. Tommie Sue was really kind, and I'm very sorry to find this out now, years after the fact.

More Later

- M -

A little too long

2010-10-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

I think it's been too long since I actually wrote anything for the blog. My apologies, as life has been rather hectic and more importantly, I've been at a little loss on things to write about. No, that's not true....it's just been difficult to find time to write down all the things I'm thinking about or seeing happening.

It did get to thinking, especially lately about things I miss. A fact of the passage of time is that we all basically must say goodbye to both the large things in life that define us, but also the countless little things that make up who we are and who we become. I think that to discuss the larger things would be typical, but the smaller things, the thing that we lose and don't see the value to until it's too late are sometimes more important.

I could devote this entry and ten more on the infinite list of small things we have to say goodbye to, but this blog is about what I feel, think, and rationalize about. To that end, and feeling typically nostalgic, I thought I would focus on a few of the little things that I've said goodbye to, that I miss more than I realized or thought I would. There is no rhyme or reason to my list, and by no means is it complete...but it is things I miss right now.

- Saturday Morning Cartoons: There was time where Saturday mornings were more important than anything, and that everyone had that common experience in cartoons that some of us still remember. I miss those mornings waking up and finding my favorites, and I especially miss that period in which cartoons took chances within the safety of what was accepted, rather than simply re-hash the same show with different formats.

- Godfather's Pizza: I know that there are a few of them left, and I've often debated seeing where the closest one is, but Nothing beat Godfather's outside of the mythic Noble Roman's Pizza, Brother's Pizza in Westminster, or that Pizza place in Beaver Dam KY which had the best Pizza I ever ate.

- Horn and Horn Buffet: It was never the food, it was the fact that every Friday my college Roommate and I would head over there and pretty much eat, joke, and talk. It was a good time, and I miss just having that place.

- Trick or Treating: Everyone gets to the age where they can't go trick or treating anymore, and then we have children and try for a short time to recapture that feeling. I miss old Halloweens, the Ben Casey costumes, and that feeling of for a little while, being part of something that was unique to the age you were.

- Calinbus Comics, Fantasy Forum, and the countless stores in-between: It seems that fandom shops are always the first to die out during economic problems, and comic/game shops are always the first. In many ways, Calinbus was my first real comic shop, and even when it was sold and renamed, it was always that shop in Kentucky off of East 18th street. It has since closed, and I'm saddened by it. As for Fantasy Forum, for a while, it was cool, then it closed.

- Original Burger King French Fries: At one time, Burger King had the best fries, then around 1995 they changed them, and now I can't eat 'em. This sucks.

- Midnight Movies: While the idea is still going on depending on where you are, for the most part, you have to really hunt for the odd theater showing cult films or Rocky Horror

- Gaming: Okay, I still game, but there was a time where this wasn't as difficult to do as it is now. I miss those days where you could find a variety of games and it would happen as often or as sparse as you wanted it.

- Fantek Conventions: A phenom of NoVA, Castlecon and Evecon were the conventions in the Mid-Atlantic region, along with Sci-Con (Which has since been replaced, but still).

- Dr. Stevens' English courses: I miss Ray, and he instructed me in both what was to be a better scholar and a better man as my mentor and friend.

- Bottled Coke in glass bottles: I miss the idea you could anywhere and get it. Now I receive it from friends in Georgia or if I make a twenty to thirty mile drive to a specialty grocery store.

- Syndicated television with cool shows: I guess the last hurrah was in the 1990s, but I miss the cool syndicated shows

- Horror Hosts: From Count Gore De Val to others, it was always neat to see them, and I wish and hope they would be allowed to make a comeback.

Just a few things, but things I miss, small things that I still think about.

More later

Mark

A few new thoughts and overview

2010-09-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

Well, the delay has been due to standard procrastination, which has led to me finding multiple reasons in not updating. Okay, no real excuse, but I'd rather the truth.

Secondly, it's been a busy month and some change. I'm finally getting back to the swing of things, and finally getting to the point that I have something to say again. I'm working on the idea that I'll at least go back to the weekly updates I had initially started.

So, what has happened?

Well first, I am leaving my long-time position of employment. It wasn't a difficult decision, but the real issue, is that it came down to a measure of respect and the opportunities are available elsewhere. At some point, I'll address the issues that I have that I don't feel will go away. It's a new game of sorts, one I'll need to address at some point once I've become adjusted to things.

The other big thing is I went to Dragoncon, which was an interesting experience after not been for some time. There are several things that happened, most of them was a feeling of absolute overwhelming chaos. DC is something that can overwhelm very easily, and navigates very difficultly. The women were very pretty, and the costumes were very well done for the most part. Despite the sheer numbers, I felt that old 'Convention Ick' of being alone amongst my peers, and didn't realize certain other feelings. I left early, partially due to need, partially due to cost, and partially due to wanting to not feel those negative feelings again. It was both very nice and very painful.

One of my earlier ideas I have literally been tossing around for about a decade and a half was the resurrection of the old Atlas Comics characters. Atlas Comics were published in 1975-1976, and was one of the first stabs at creator-owned/controlled characters. While the various series were often sub-par, the comics were often some that I really liked. I had toyed with the idea in the late 1990s on actually seeing if it was possible to licenses, update, and publish a series. I really thought under the right conditions, the series would be decent. Now it seems that Atlas is resurrected, and that's not a bad thing from what I've seen:

A lot of things are still in the air. I know I need to update more, but that'll be later.

More later

- M -

So, it looks like things are a-changing

2010-08-30T06:13:00.001-07:00

I might be relocating very shortly to up north, I'm hoping.

More shortly, sorry I've been late.

- M -

So.....how Comics change for the worse

2010-08-13T08:35:00.001-07:00

Let's go down the semi-annual review of changes in the Marvel Universe that aren't necessarily cool:

Captain America: Still Bucky
Pepper Potts: Now a heroine
Wasp: Still Dead
Hank Pym: Now the Wasp
Nightcrawler: Dead
Cable: Dead
Jubilee: Vampire
Punisher: A horrible Frankenstein-like creature
Spider-Man: Still in the 'One more Day' Mode
Vision: still some sort of Kang thing
Thor: Destroyed Asgard
Fantastic FOur: One dead
Deadpool: Cool when he showed up every so often, but now everywhere, WTF
Wolverine: A clone, a son, and a screwed up origin
Sabretooth: Still Dead
Daredevil: Evil now
Bullseye: Dead
Jean Grey: I can't begin to guess
Hulk: Now everyone's a hulk
Red Hulk: Stupid idea that won't die
Three She-Hulks: Original, future, and red...
Doctor Strange: No longer sorceror Supreme
X-Men: Kill them already
Karma: Missing leg
Pixie: Missing soul
X-23: Missing Arm
POwer Man: No longer Luke Cage, Luke Cage is now just Luke Cage
SPider Woman: No longer a skrull at least
Fantastic Four: One is going to die...

DC Comics isn't free:

Arsenal: Drug addicted, child died, and one-armed
Green Arrow: On the run and divorced
Aquaman: At least he's back
Hawkman: Ditto
Batman: Still travelling time
Wonder Woman: Come on now, it's a screwed up idea
Damage: Only character born from the 1990s more damaged are the ones killed wholesale, but at least he's dead
Captain Boomerang 2: Good idea, now dead
The Red CIrcle characters: Great idea....now floundering
THUNDER AGENTS: Come on now....screw this up and people will riot.

Just observations

November is not close enough

2010-08-12T08:01:00.003-07:00

http://www.dcuniverseonline.com/

November is not close enough

2010-08-12T08:01:00.001-07:00

http://www.dcuniverseonline.com/

So, see Inception

2010-08-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

It's good, really.

Or was it?

It could still be messing with me.

Who knows?

So, I saw 'Eclipse'

2010-07-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

And it didn't suck. I am by no means a fan of the series, either novel or movie, but it wasn't bad.

I like Ashley Greene, so that was something.

The taste of bitterness and the character of Hawke.

2010-07-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm writing this because I have truly hit a moment where I have been beat down.

It turns out not to be the things I thought it would be. I had imagined things would be related to the idea of what's going on in my family life, or the issues of the last six months, or even the problems across the board. No, it's the fact that Dragon Age 2 is coming out, and ultimately, it kills a lot of things that I stilled hoped for.

You see, the main character is a survivor and later champion of the realm named Hawke. Now, anyone who knows me at any real level knows I've developed a character named Hawke who ironically has much of the same backstory, sans the details, as the Dragon Age Hawke. I've had this character in creation since 1990, and have worked on it through a variety of mediums and even on the internet over the last decade, and had planned to begin something ambitious shortly, a novel where I would feature this character (Although, not as a main, but still) called Dragonborn: Cursebreaker.

Yes, I know it isn't the same...but it is something that truly makes me sad right now, because I put a lot of effort out there, and to see something in which despite working on it for over twenty years to even have a passing similarity really makes me upset. It pretty much crushes me where I stand.

Jesus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_Age_2

wrestling with questions

2010-07-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

So, to pick up the topic from the other day, I'm basically finding myself at a crossroads of sorts. Do I continue with the direction I'm headed creatively or do I try to go another route?

First, I am continually wracked with doubt. This isn't something I can easily escape, and partially it is the problem with why I can't seem to move forward as either a creator or writer. I guess what I need is validation that I am creative, something I try hard to make happen and not seem just like everyone else. I love my games, they are living parts of me, but I wonder if I'm actually creative or just ripping off this and that.

I guess I just would like to know I'm creative, that my ideas are unique, that I'm basically capable if not able to 'stand out'. In all the years I've been running, the one thing I've wanted is to be told that I was outstanding in a genre or with a game.

I recall with memory certain games that were the best of the best, so to speak. I've gone out of my way to tell people or to tell the stories of those games. Since my days at GLOBE I've felt I'm missing something, that I'm more a reliable GM than a preferred one, and that bothers me.

Just thoughts and doubt.

More later

Gaming, comics and that stuff, part one

2010-07-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

So, here we are again.

I should continue posts I've started on relatively serious matters, but I felt, no, I absolutely thought I should address a few pressing fanboy concerns. Mostly, I'm at a loss for certain things, ranging from gaming to comics, the two major vices I have within the fanboy community.

First, comics. From the redesign of Wonder Woman to the shift to digital publishing, it's been a mess and a half. I've nothing against the idea of updating a character, but the radical update proposed by the current Wonder Woman team is nearly completely against the iconic nature of the character. It's been a problem for a while: Iconic characters are completely redesigned at the whims of a writer who will more than likely leave a book or character within a year, forcing another writer to 'answer' for their actions. From Kevin Smith to the most recent creative team on Wonder Woman, this has been a problem for the better part of a decade, in the desire to shape an dying industry at the core of its more loyal followers. Redesign, sure...but completely overhaul for momentary attention getting profit is not the way to go.

Secondly, let's talk gaming. It seems that the hobby I grew up with is changing beyond my willingness to change with it. First, I've nothing against other GMs or players, but I will not play something I don't wish to. Specifically the growing 4th edition movement. I don't want to be part of it, it doesn't interest me, and while too many people are trying to convince me to embrace change, I don't think they're getting the idea that I have already made a decision and choose not to play. It's more than that: Groups, like the specialty games market, are dying and shrinking. Part of it is age, part of it is simply the way things have changed, and part of is related to the lack of interest by the younger generation. It's hard to explain this, but it's very difficult to interest people in RPGs when it is often easier for them to play a CCG or MMORPG. That's the real rub I suppose.

I remember what it was like to play games with my friends and always have that potential for growth. While some could argue it's a matter of location or of involvement on my part, I think it is a systemic issue that is facing every player in my generation: When is enough enough?

I'm also facing the fact that I'm becoming more selective. While my play-style isn't always refreshing, it is consistent, and I don't enter any campaign or game with false pretenses. I guess part of it is that if I make the effort to create something, I want to see it grow, and too often growth is sacrificed for short-term returns in the over-all campaign(s). Favoritism and elitism continue to be a problem, but I think it's no longer the major issue: I think the major issue is that I don't see enough reason for me to continue or embrace new ideas if I see a drawback to it.

Then again, there are the players. I've many good players and a few players I have issue with. Regardless of what is said of me, I try to involve everyone and continue to struggle to make it a good experience for all involved. Some not too kind words were spoken about me again, and I won't lie when I say that it's always difficult to deal with when I hear about such things third-handed. More importantly, it wounds me when I feel excluded or simply spoken about rather than to. I feel that this is another notch against the hobby for my mind.

Twice in my life have I have seriously thought about giving up gaming. I'm entering the third phase now, as I see that there is little that makes me interested or keeps my attention. I simply cannot find the sorts of games and settings that make me happy, that keep me interest, and I am not included in those things that I am interested in. What happened?

More later

Mark

Lost posts and afterthoughts

2010-06-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

I had written this rather large post, some of which I wrote while on my most recent trip regarding returning home. I later wrote my thoughts on what was the last two weeks of my life. Unfortunately, I lost my post and the images associated. So here I am, trying to recapture the words I used to express my general displeasure of the current phase of life.

Going home is always hard. I had not returned to Kentucky in over six years, and when I was going to Erik's graduation, I made it a point to return to the place I had spent the first fourteen years of my life. I wasn't certain how I would feel, or what had truly changed.

I recovered the lost post and will let that stand where it is. It's much harder to go home than even I had thought it would be, and I was prepared for it. I guess part of this period of my life is that things are going to be harder, that somehow, it isn't about recovering as much as surviving.

I could go on and on how tired I'm feeling. It's been a constant thing the last two years, and it's become a worse situation. It's still a long road of recovery for Mom and myself, and I don't think there has been enough time to grieve. To be honest, I don't think either of us has fully started.

I'm seeing things differently now, and I'm not sure I like what I see. Maybe it's just the downswing of depression, maybe it's something more akin to another brief moment of clarity. I haven't slept good in some time, and I'm still wrapped around the axels of the situations I made for myself. Is there a way out that is actually a good thing? I wonder at times, and yet, the signs and road markers have always said yes.

Mainly, I fear.

I fear the loss of everything I hold dear, that somehow Mom will lose everything, and we'll have another 1984/1985 on our hands. I don't think people, even those who understand that reference will ever know how painfully tramautizing that was, or how it tore me up like no one's business. It's like skating on very thin ice, that awful cracking sound that ice makes when it is breaking on all sides, with the feeling of the tremor ice has as it begins to shift under foot. That's how it is.

More Later

- M -

Recovered Posts: Old things.

2010-05-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

The missing post from two weeks ago. I'll add to it shortly

Today after six years I returned home to Kentucky.

I don't know what I expected, honestly. I thought maybe I would see some of the places which fit into my life so importantly, or at least see things that I could still recognize. The painful truth is, however, that most of the places in my childhood are gone.

Such things are important to me, but equally so, it's the places that often have the most powerful memories. I drove in and saw the old town of Hartford. I felt like a ghost moving across a silent graveyard. I could remember walking to the library from elementary school, which is now a treatment center and continuing education annex. I could see the places from Dockery's restaurant (Now a place called 'Cowboys'), or the fact that most of the places in Hartford's downtown are gone. I bought my first star wars action figure at the Ben Franklin's (Now a Dollar General). I remember the Friday morning flea market across from where route 69 meets 231 (Now gone), or even the fact that of the little places that seemed to just be left to rot. These were important places in both memory and in reconciliation of the present.

I took the old road through Silver Beach up to 1414 to the first house I can honestly remember having on 1414. The house was a small brick house with a picture bay window, sitting on a slight hill. The best Christmas was there. The first lessons I had in riding horses were there. My first dog and cats were buried there, and my first best friend, Mike Burgess, used to live on that hill next to ours. As I drove by, I saw tall grass overgrowing on all sides, the house had been abandoned, and it had been left to rot. Like so much of what defined my best memories as of late, it's simply another loss that is hard to digest. It was sitting there as a shell, and it pained me greatly.

It was getting dark, and I drove from there to Green Briar Baptist Church, where my Grandparents are laid to rest. The church seemed quiet, and the chainlink fence was broken in many places. A great deal of my family for nearly a hundred and fifty years lay in that cemetery, including my grandparents. Tombstones were laying on their side, and the graves, while tended slightly, were still not in a way that I felt good about. It was getting dark and a thunderstorm was rolling in, so I scraped away the grass cuttings from my grandparents tombstone and then left.

As I drove through Owensboro, I was reminded of good times and bad, and wondered how much would remain. If I felt like a ghost in Hartford, I was a an unseen shadow in OWensboro. I used to travel all over Owensboro, hitting the Family Y and pool in the summer, scouring the bookshops and the one comic shop, and it made me happy. The Y is still there, but my comic shop, Originally 'Calinbus Comics' in Owensboro, was long gone. Even the replacement store, 'The greatest adventure' was gone, and while there are a few decent collector marts nearby, and a very darkened game shop, it's not the same, and I am reminded how it never will be.

Let me be clear, I know time passes, I know that these things happen, and were expected, but I think I'm bothered not by the loss of those places, but by how seeing them brought back such powerful memories inside of me. I'm not surprised by this, but I felt I should at least say something about it.

I'm thinking that this year has been and will continue to be something related to goodbyes. I don't know how far it will go yet, and I don't want to know.

More later from the Road.

Mark

My Dad part 2

2010-05-09T19:18:00.001-07:00

This weekend was one of the most stressful in recent memories. I just got off the phone with my Mom and it wasn't easy for her either.

Damn it.

The little things that irk me.

2010-04-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well, another Monday. Things are difficult, for certain. Old rage and older feelings of unrequieted anger seem to be quite present. I suppose that's something I could work on, but I'm a little tired of dealing with things. To this end, I've spent a little time trying to analyze the little things that have the sharpest digs, and I thought I would share my list of things as a possible venting session.

Here we go:

1. Experts on everything: Even among friends, there are those people who attempt to show their superior knowledge about a topic I might have greater understanding than they realize. What the hell?

2. People who push when they shouldn't: Especially when you say 'I'm stressed' or 'I'm tired', there are moments where people should just at that moment stop and consider what the hell they are doing.

3. People who don't listen or make an attempt to see past the current issues: Let's face it, I'm guilty of this, everyone is. There are, however, a group of people who don't realize that things are far greater in depth and have more meaning/mettle than are currently being shown. It is possible that a person is more shrewd than given credit for, but when someone doesn't listen or make an honest and earnest attempt to make things happen, it's problematic at best.

4. Arrogance: I'm pretty tired of arrogance. I think that arrogance can be refreshing, but ultimately, is a major detractor especially when the person who is arrogant has no real basis for it. I don't care what a person has done X, X, or X...in reality, it has too much to do with a sense of insecurity than a real sense of accomplishment.

5. Rude people who don't understand that the things that irk them, they are guilty of: Here is a major issue, I'm pretty certain that the rudest people are the ones who do the exact things they complain about. Too often I've had people act a certain way, complain about it, and then immediately do it again. What the hell?

6. Short-Sightedness: I think that this is something I'm also guilty of, hell, I never claimed to be perfect, I think that being short-sighted is a problem across the board. I think that too often that if you don't see the forest for the trees, there is a problem.

7. Lack of Communication on purpose: Some people simply do not listen, no matter what. Let's be honest, some people enter every situation with preconceived notions, and what pisses me off the most is a select group of individuals who are so wrapped up into their own infalliability of communication that they simply refuse to either perceptively understand the people around them or simply cannot comprehend that people change. A good example: I had an ex-girlfriend I occasionally run into every so often. One thing that truly irks me is she presents herself with the expectation that old friends are the same exact way they were five years previously while the changes in her life are expected to be embraced. No attempt is made at real communication.

8. Ignoring plain facts: I hate it when people simply ignore plain facts.

9. Bullies: People who still act like they are in high school, seeking to intimidate their fellows as if they gain some sort of power over them. What the hell? I thought by now this sort of behavior would disappear. I remember 'fondly' a former work experience in which a co-worker attempted their best to make me leave. That passive aggressive bullshit does not fly with me anymore, so I nearly had them fired for it. The truth is, I still see it, across the board. What the hell?

10. People driving slow in the fast lane: Yeah, this is universal.

More later

- M -

Crash of the Titans - A review of CoT

2010-04-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

You know, I love summer movies. I love the entire feel of going to a theater on opening night and seeing a blockbuster that hasn't the emotional connection that too many film snobs overlook. You know what I mean, the general dismissing attitude that a summer film has only monetary value in the scope of theatrical appeal.

There are all sorts of summer movies: Bad sequels, special effect laden extravaganza, and of course, the remake. The remake has become increasingly popular, hopefully a short-term trend like making everything in 3-D. Sadly however, you can remake and trick-out as much as possible to the new Clash of the Titans, but it will not save the movie from being crappy.

The story is simple: Half-God Perseus seeks to find a weapon to destroy the main weapon of the Greek Gods, the Kraken. Assisted by allies which come directly from '300' meets 'The Magnificent Seven', Perseus seeks to stop the sacrifice of Princess Andromeda and the manipulations of his evil uncle, Hades. Hades apparently seeks to destroy his brother, Zeus, king of the Gods, and on the surface, this sounds already way too confusing for two hours.

And is it.

So, here is the breakdown. The original Clash of the Titans was Ray Harryhausen's final film to date, and was steeped in the actual mythology of the demigod hero Perseus. Yes, it was campy, yes the effects were no where near the level we've jadedly become used to, and yes the acting wasn't Shakespearean (Although Laurence Olivier was Zeus), But it was a solidly paced movie with few random divergences. The 2010 remake is a mess. At best, the plot mirrors its source material, but at worse, it introduces completely wooden characters with a real failure to resolve dangling plot issues. I kid you not, half of the party seeking the head of Medusa (The only weapon capable of killing the Kraken for those late to the game) die within two minutes of each other. Sam Worthington, fresh off of Avatar seems completely uncertain why he is there, and when he does show intensity, it is good...but those moments are few and far between.

So, let's break down the movie according to the five areas:
CHARACTERS:
Apparently, character and having character are two seperate things. There are so many characters it seems that a remake of Lord of the Rings was attempted, including a new love interest (Which even the source material, the Greek Myths, don't hook up with Perseus), a mysterious figure known as a Djinn (Although not the singing Disney sort, and more like a combination of Chewbacca and Obi-Wan, which I will now dub Chewbaconobi), and a group of two dimensional gods who share less screen-time than the giant scorpions (or the band scorpions for that matter) in the film. There is almost a complete lack of focus on Perseus, outside of a need for revenge and the 'accepting your destiny' trope. What the hell? Even the original 1981 version gave a more in-depth Perseus.

PLOT:
Oh...My....God.

First, there is simply too much going on in this film for it to be clear or concise. The storyline attempts to be linear, but it fails horribly. There are holes in the story large enough for you to believe this was at best written by a first year drama major at a community college rather than a Hollywood scriptwriter. I don't want to ruin it, but it's clear that this movie needed two more re-writes at best before it began to lens. Remaking a movie nearly thirty years old is one thing, but this was different. It is as if someone saw ten minutes of the original, saw 300, and became an expert. Awful isn't a word I would use, but it comes close. The entire plot with Hades seemed at best forced, with the expectation that I imagined Hades seeking to tie Andromeda to train tracks and twirl his evil moustache. Let's talk about Hades for a moment: This is a character who could have been played with relish by Ralph Fiennes...but instead looked like a figure from a Led Zepplin album cover and was as terrifying as Snidely Whiplash. Come on now...and Kalibos? One of the things that made the original stand out was a villain who was cruel and petty, but still had a 'villain' mystique. It's what made him memorable. In the remake, he's a tool...and what's worse, a tool that seems to be nothing more than a thug. This is my most hated part of the plot, as the it makes no practical sense and what is worse, drags down the sub-plot of Hades to a point that it's weak as hell. You know what, it reminded me a game of Dungeons and Dragons brought to life, especially after a few drinks and at three in the morning with a group of people who are way too much into rules and 'fantasy'.

EFFECTS:
Here is Clash of the Titans strongest suit: The Effects aren't bad. The Kraken is indeed terrifying, the Pegasus chase scene is pretty cool, and the battle with the scorpions isn't bad. I did not like some of the effects, but from the Stygian Witches to the Medusa (Especially the hot, hot Medusa),the effects nearly saved the film to a 'passable' level. I would imagine in 3-D they would be better, but until I put eyes on it, I won't comment. The aging effect of Queen Cassiopeia is pretty cool, as are the cities, I like the city-scope shots.

ACTION:
The action is like the plot: All over the place, but it is standard fair, and it seems that the real attempt is made to make the action fluid and outside of the Medusa sequence, have the action make sense. The real issue I have with the action and pacing is the Medusa sequence, which alternates between a 'what the hell' sense of pacing to a 'why the hell did that happen that way' sort of thing. I would imagine this was the most difficult scene to actually film, but the slow motion money shots and the inability to truly pace the fight seemed to drag the action down. The Kraken scene is still perhaps the strongest, but it's wasted in some ways, failing as with the other scenes in pacing.

DIRECTION:

I like the style of director Louis Leterrier, I think he understands how an action movie should work, but I think that even with his direction, the movie seems off somehow, and I place that squarely off his shoulders and onto the shoulders of the two screenwriters. I think that there is a lot that Louis does that makes a scene under other conditions better, and he makes the best to sort out the movie's script with the effects. I think however, unlike The Incredible Hulk, his last film to date prior to 'CoT', the movie suffers from being too many cliches rolled into one.

REPEAT VIEWING:

The real test for a summer film is 'Will I see it again?', and the answer is probably on DVD, but not before. I think that 'CoT' had the real makings of a film that could have been very cool, very unique, and capable of breaking the 'remake' role...but instead seems to prove that Hollywood desperately needs to focus past remakes and go towards original material or at least new adapted material. I get a real League of Extraordinary Gentlemen feel from 'CoT', such as having a good action director, iconic characters, excellent source material, and a mediocre script which ultimately goes off course and yet produces a solid two star movie. If you want to see the better movie, go see the 1981 version, but otherwise, see the 2010 version if you feel you owe something to the summer movie gods.

Two Stars.

My Dad

2010-03-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, March 17 2010, My father lost his battle with Pancreatic Cancer. He was 60 years old, and he fought very valiantly for months, struggling against the disease.

I made a decision with this blog during it's relaunch I wouldn't post as personal as I had previously, but today I'm breaking that rule. I am giving the last euology tomorrow at his funeral, and I thought I would post it here, as it is how I feel about my Dad.

My Dad;

I struggled trying to put into a few words how I felt about dad, and how he touched not only my life but the lives of those here. I debated looking for analogies and anecdotes that would express in a few simple words everything he was and everything he meant to me. I kept thinking I had plenty of time to complete this task but I found out like so many that time waits for no one, and that the task ultimately was like Dad, subtle at first with a great deal of depth and emotion that ended up taking me a while to full comprehend and come to understand.

I had asked Dad for this task, this chance to say goodbye to the finest man I have ever known. Dad was quiet, reserved, funny, generous, and occasionally hard to read, but I never doubted his strength, compassion, and the love for my mother, family, or myself. Dad occasionally hesitated at his choices, but never when it came to love or his family, and was never stingy with his strength or time.

Some people would suggest I was mostly grown when Dad came into my life. I was seventeen when Mom and Dad married, and I was almost out of high school when we really began our family. There was a lot of uneasiness between Dad and I early on, but the trepidations days quickly passed, and I truly began growing up and learned to be a man from Dad’s example.

Dad made a choice on my mother and myself, and I am very thankful he did. Mom at last had a partner and soul mate, while I had the first real stability in my life.

Dad was with us through the good and bad. Dad loved mom completely, forgave easily, smiled often, and worked very hard through his life. Dad gave me my first real ‘home’, and I was reluctant to leave when the time came, not out of a fear of the future or a sense of irresponsible reliance on my parents, but rather a real sense of reluctance to leave a real sense of family that was very powerful, loving, and true. Dad provided all of those things, welcoming me as a son and taking me into his heart despite my flaws.

Dad wasn’t perfect, as no one is, but he was always kind and understanding. I can only recall Dad being angry a few times, perhaps no more than five, and each time, Dad sought to ensure all was well afterwards. Over the years Dad has been involved in the most difficult decisions of my life, often acting as the voice of reason and always there for support. That was how Dad was: Always there and always present for you. Occasionally we had to motivate him, and Dad would occasionally let things go and had to be reminded on dealing with an issue, but Dad was responsible for his family and there was never reasoning with him once his mind was made up, except the pets, especially the cats.

My father was a gentle man with a will of iron who sought to do what was necessary and needed. When the economy went bad, Dad went to work driving a school bus to help save the house, and then took jobs in Arizona and later Pennsylvania, spending months away from Mom and flying back as often as he could. It was the worst part of recent memory outside the sickness, but Dad never complained. Dad made a decision because it was necessary, sacrificing his well-being and desires for what he sought to build here in Amherst. Dad never second-guessed that decision, because to Dad it was the right thing to do. That was another example of who he was, and something that emplified his nature.

My Dad loved square dancing, cheetoes, our dog, and the Washington Redskins. Dad had a real interest in technology and could spend time fiddling with one thing or another on his computer for hours. Dad enjoyed the outdoors and he engaged in multiple projects: From hanging the insulation in our garage to setting up the Halloween tunnel every year, Dad loved it all, but of all the things, he loved my mother the most.

Dad loved my mother so much that I do not know of many people who had that level of joy. My mother and father were inseparable, and while my mother could be very forceful in her ways, Dad often was the one who had the most strength. Dad adored my mother, was sad when separated from her for even a day, and was….is…always with her, for if love is truly eternal, Dad is with her now and will be forever.

Dad loved his brothers and sisters and spoke of each of them fondly and often. When he could, Dad saw them, and those visits and conversations were always welcome and happy. Dad came from a big family, and inherited many more members when he married mom. Dad laughed and shared the joys and sorrows with each, and greeted each visit with love and hope.

You might have heard we have a few cats. Dad loved each of the ‘babies’ like children; Dad laughed at their antics, scolded their bad behaviors, and mourned their passing. Dad never closed his heart to our animals. Each year brought a new face, abandoned and/or hurt, and despite Dad saying ‘enough is enough’ eight cats ago, they became part of the family. Dad adored them all and all animals, to which they took to him, sensing his gentleness and love.

Finally, Dad showed me that I could be more than I was that love, honor, kindness, and compassion were more than words: The are the best qualities of being human, and in Dad, they were boundless.

Hoyt wasn’t just my stepfather, he was Dad, and I love him, I miss him, and the world is a little colder without him. I hope to take the lessons he taught me forward and make him proud. Those that knew him do not mourn his passing, but remember his life, as he touched all of us and made the world a little more bearable.

Thank You Dad.

I love you.

Driving away from Comics, Part One

2010-03-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

Well, a lot of things have happened in the last few months, and what has happened has made me very lapsed in in posting here. Still, I've tried to add when I could, and I thought I would return to a topic near and dear to my heart, comics.

So what has happened? I thought that I would find a path back to my collecting days, but in reality I have gone further and further away from comics. True, I've been a big fan of Blackest Night, but I've found that there are things that have gone out of their way to make the medium difficult for me to follow.

First, it is the entire Cap issue. I was brought back onboard for the Return of Steve Rogers mini, and I was looking forward to the return of the real Captain America, but now it's clear that Bucky-Cap is here to stay. It pisses me off, but oh well. Second, I truly hate the manhandling that writers have taken, from killing off Bill and Kelda in Thor, to the entire 'One more Day' issue, and finally the 'Siege' storyline. Marvel has long since alienated me as a long-time fan, which saddens me, but they seem dedicated to make it even more so.

Of course, DC Comics is not any better. From the awful ending of Cry for Justice in which Lian Harper is killed, to making the Green Arrow a murderer make me very angry. At least Batman is returning, and maybe Dick Grayson will go back to being Nightwing.

I have often stated here that I like my comics, and I don't want them to be static, but it seems the 'hyper realism' and disrespect promoted by writers like Mark Millar is definately pushing older fans away from the medium. I like Geoff Johns's approach, but I'm wary on a lot of the changes that my favorite distraction and beloved mythology are undergoing.

The arguement that the death of Lian Harper was to show 'consequence'....but I think that James Robinson missed the point, that Lian was a consequence all to herself. From her death to the abomination of 'FrankenCastle', the entire comic medium seems dedicated to tearing down the icons of my childhood, sacrificing minor characters to provide 'depth'.

This angers me.

More later

- M -

Cash Day

2010-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

Today, American Recordings VI was released. The last of the series from Johnny Cash and Rick Rubin, and it's an amazing album. It was my birthday present to myself. February 26 is Wear Black for Johnny! Day

Best song:

More later.

Mark

What more can I say?

2010-01-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's like that

The great Doctor Who MPT debate

2010-01-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

First, I know that Dr. Who is off the air from MPT, and has been for over a year, but I figured I'd at least say something about it as it is Saturday night, and it was once one of the biggest things in my misspent youth.

For those who don't know, Maryland Public Television (MPT) used to show Doctor Who every Saturday night at 11:30 PM. It wasn't just a staple of Saturday nights, it was an iconic destination for geek culture, and one of my earliest exposures to fandom. Having Doctor Who on Saturday nights was something that equated to Rocky Horror on Saturday nights, or later going out with friends during college: It wasn't so much the show but the things around it that made it special. all of my friends were fans, and I always felt a sort of geek stability to know it was on. When I returned to Northern Virginia from being away for several years, I took real solace that MPT continued to show it, and became a fan all over again. To me, it wasn't the show, although I enjoyed every minute of it, it was more than that. It was a common experience to those people in the metro DC area, and while it was something that may not have always been popular with certain people, it was always something that I enjoyed and felt had a place. Doctor Who on Saturday nights was cool...and something that made the Baltimore metro area unique in my mind.

Over the last four years however, things changed. As I had said, I had become a fan again when I returned to NoVA, and I began watching, but noticed the episodes would be pre-empted or at worst, cancelled for other performances. Shortly thereafter, the episodes were started later and later, now beginning anywhere from 12:30 to 2:00 AM. Finally the older episodes were done away, replaced by the recently relaunched series. Ultimately, the series was yanked completely from the MPT line-up, as it had been done on the WETA stations a decade + before. After nearly thirty years, Doctor Who had disappeared from MPT, and with it, the passing of another instituition.

The reasons have been slightly muddled: An issue about rights, another issue about licensing, and still another about interest, the real answer I fear was a change and shift in Public Television. I'm not arguing anything here, I'm not going to be the die-hard fan, for in truth at best, I was fair weather, but I feel that when something disappears that has had an impact under those conditions, it's a shame.

I guess what bothers me is the fact that for a moment in my life, there was a real sense of magic, and that show was part of it. No, scratch that, the show wasn't part of it, it was the experience, and for a while, I believed the experience would last at some level. I didn't expect it just to fade away, but as I've learned, nothing lasts. That's what troubles me for the most part, and that's what I've spent the last year sorting through. I guess I'm writing this to complain, to remember, and to put to bed. I'll always have those good memories, but for now, they're gone.

More later

- M -

The end of this damned year

2009-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know, I think that 2009 has been one of those years I think people would like to forget. I suppose that gets said a lot, but the truth is, 2009 has been difficult at best. I can honestly say that it was far worse than I anticipated, and I am praying hard that next year is better on all fronts.

Dad is still fighting for his life, and that's a fight I would not wish on my worst enemy. My parents are in danger of losing their house, the economy is terrible, and I've hit the bottom more than a few times in a lot of different areas. The thing is, I know I'm n ot alone there, and I'm hoping that things are better for everyone, not just us.

I have had a feeling it would be, and that's what has been a major factor in keeping going. I'm hoping that when all is said and down, we'll be in a better place, and with grace and hope, Dad will be better. I don't know if anything will come from that feeling, but I'm hopeful at least.

A lot has changed. I changed jobs and found that I'm just sick of the entire process. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've had to deal with an entire group of individuals who are both two-faced and with very little support. I've also had the pleasure of meeting new people who I think are among the most decent I've ever worked with. The trade-off hasn't been equal, and I'm already looking to move on.

I worry about the future. I look back twenty years ago and realize I am no fartehr towards my goals that I had. The trick is, and something I've tried to tell some of the people in my life however, is that my goals have changed. I have a lot I keep close to the chest, and I'm beginning to think I need to play a little more open. I've hit my limit on some things, and here is hoping that 2010 is a bit easier for that.

I'm dreaming again in sequence, rather than half-dreams that are shakingly connected. I tend to dream around central plots, but they rarely carry over and/or have a consist theme. That sort of dreaming has been rare in my life, and certainly not in well over a decade and some change. I'm not certain what it means, if anything.

So, Happy New Year. I hope it is a better time for all of us, and that the promise of a new year offers new opportunities.

More later

- M -

The best RPG experience

2009-12-20T05:26:00.000-08:00

For those that know me, the truth is, I like Role-Playing Games (RPGs). While my love for RPG gaming isn't as strong as it used to be, and I find that I am not very typical in my likes and dislikes, I think that the common shared experience has always been one of the most important things for me to embrace.

I've had many a discussion on the best experiences I've had, because I could fill a book as both player and game master with the worst ones. The truth is, the very best experiences give a sense of creativity and almost a sense of ethereal beauty to the event, and if nothing more, stay with you. For me personally, it gives me a sense of truly feeling every element of an RPG working together and bringing out a joined creative experience.

So, with that said, what was the best? I certainly have alluded to the experiences of the past, but the one I have to go back two was twenty years ago, when I had just got out of college and started going to the Gamer's League of Baltimore (GLOBE), which was for the longest time the only real organized gaming club in the region dedicated to RPGs. I met a girl, Leila Gould, and besides clumsily, awkwardly, and ignorantly appearing (I listened to the wrong people on numerous occasions then), I tried albeit briefly to pursue her. Leila at the time was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, and to top it all off, she was also into RPGs, and was a very creative girl. Now, at this time, I hadn't really had much experience with girls, how to behave, or any of that, and I listen too often to friends who were completely wrong or had other purposes. That wasn't important, because this post isn't about what I did wrong in dating, it's about the best RPG experience.

I had become a fan of Elfquest, and when I discovered after starting with GLOBE Leila ran an Elfquest game, I was immediately a fan. I had a character which to this day I realize was a character I'd never play again, and yet, it was a source, a real source of creative pleasure at the time, because even as bad as the character was, we had a great group of players, and the game worked. For a moment, it was the perfect game. There were about six sessions in total, ranging from July 1989 to the final one in October, and it was the best game I had experienced. Some games certainly have come close, but that game was the one where I felt I was actually there, that I could imagine the events and that for a short time it was the break from reality I needed and wanted. More importantly, there was a beautiful girl who was running the game who at the time I was very interested in, and the group which I felt part of.

Sadly, like most things, the game ended. The pursuit of the girl ended due to interest elsewhere on her part, my listening to too many people and trying to respond to what I thought she liked, and ultimately, the beginning breakdown of the group as a whole. For one moment however, that period and experience were ultimately the best I'd ever been part of.

I sometimes think that Leila's ElfQuest game was the standard I've tried to go back to and judge every game to. I think it wasn't just the standard for the quality of games, it was the quality of what people did, how people could come together and create a truly special creative experience. It wasn't just my desire to be part of a group, the GM, or the subject, it was all of that, and more, and it remains one of the best memories I have.

I hadn't touched Elfquest since then. I didn't look at it for any reason, because part of me was embarrassed by how things went after the game ended, part of me didn't want to go back there for the fact of losing or sullying that memory, and part of me didn't want to go back because things had changed...I had changed.

Still, I decided after twenty years to at least look back at some of the best times, and see what was there. I'm thinking that a person should look at the best times when facing worst ones, and last night I found my old EQ books while surviving the snowpocalypse, and it brought back a flood of memories. I miss those days, but I realize they will never come again. Still, I look back fondly.

More later

- M -

The sense of snow

2009-12-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

Another delay due to the hectic nature of life. No, that's not right...it's never life that causes the delay, but the people in life...

With that being said, the taste of snow is in the air here, and with it, the threat of the first major snowstorm in the better part of six years. Nothing brings as much excitement and dread as a snowstorm, with both the romantic and the profain using the falling snowflakes in their designs. Writers, artists, and musicians have drafted lofty works on the subject of snow, and science has engaged in numerous studies in the complexity of a single flake. Snow holds the fascination with the imagination in such a way that few things can: something that no matter what age of society, a snowfall tends to be a common experience.

What is it that makes us as children look forward to snow? Certainly the idea of getting out of school and having the day to play is part of it, but what really drives us? Is it the sense of the unexpected that keeps us on edge, our first real taste of both the power of nature and the beauty it can bring? Is it the ideas and concepts we hang on a snowfall: A winter pasture, Christmas, a warm hearth, and a state of play? At what point do we exchange wonder for realistic approaches: Snarled traffic, the mess and clean up, and the potential harm snow can cause? There is a point where the magic is replaced by realism, and I think too often as adults we miss that and need to go back to that moment.

There is nothing like a snowfall, especially when it is a moment on the horizon. You can almost taste it snow on the air, the clouds take a hazy quality to them, creating the moment where the sun is concealed behind heavy clouds, giving a gray look to the sky. There is the moment when snow begins, the first few flakes that are soon joined by a frenzy of others, all quickly falling and with luck, growing. Soon the ground disappears under the white blanket, and a pristine equality in pale whites and subdued shapes is left. There is nothing like a snowfall, it brings a sense of peace when it is subtle, a sense of blinding power when it is a blizzard, and a medium between that is both lovely and terrifying.

Some of the rarest weather events occur during a snowfall. A snow squall is the one that is tied the most, and in my life, I've been part of only one, a thunderstorm in the middle of a snowstorm, which is not technically the name for the term of Thunderstnow. I was fourteen, living in Maryland, and remember clearly the night it happened, a rare event that was a little frightening, because I'd never seen or heard of such a thing.

I think that I am looking forward to the snow with both a sense of apprehension and wonder. I don't know if we'll get much, when it will hit, and what I'll do, but I'm going to try to face it with that sense of wonder and excitement that I remember from the snowfalls of years past. Several stand out in memory: The snowfall when I was eight and we made the largest fortress for our action figures (Several were lost for a time), the snowfall on my eleventh birthday in 1982, which was both deep and unexpected (And nature's best birthday present), and the snowfall of 1993, when I was with friends and we had the time of our lives acting foolish and like children again. Each experience a good one, each experience unique, and each experience as vivid and as clear as that early morning after a snowfall: A perfect moment.

More later

- M -

Suddenly it's all so clear....

2009-12-05T07:08:00.001-08:00

Too many of my friends remind me of characters from The Young Ones. Johnathan Darkly gave me season one to watch, and I forgot how much I dug it.

So, read this before you read that.

2009-12-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

First, I want to thank everyone who has been following the blog over the last few months. Clearly I've been lapsed with issues and the discovery/sign-up of Facebook, and just the rush of life in general.

With that being said, and I guess I've not been as clear about it as I should have been, this blog is a clearing house: In a great many ways, this is digital therapy for the electronic soul. With that being said, I appreciate people's concern, and today's topic will be perhaps a bit of a downer.

First, I'm dealing with a lot of issues that I would not wish on the four people who as far as I am concerned, could rot in hell. Second, it's not been a good time because of said issues and their long-range impact. Third, I'm truly grateful and appreciative of my friends and support, and I'm honest and earnestly not about to fracture into a hundred pieces. I'm not that fragile a person.

Today is December 4th. It's usually these few days, Monday especially, that some of the best and worst things happen to me. From the infamous December 7th of 1995 to my first day at perhaps the best place I've worked professionally. It seems these few days always hold a major up and a major down, and none of them are easy before the holiday season.

I would like to say that the ups and downs don't color my holiday season, but invariably it does to some level. This year more than any other, it's a bit harder because in a lot of ways, it feels like the last real Christmas I'll have with things as they have been. You have to understand, even at the worst times, there was still a feeling of Christmas. Mom and Dad have always gone out of their way to make things work, and the fact is with Dad sick and the looming financial hole that will probably force them to sell the house, I'm not feeling very festive. It's different this year, hell...it's been different all year. I could swear that last year it was a moment of hope, and now, we're just hoping to get through it without tragedy.

Every day I wish things were different, not just for myself or my family, but for everyone. It seems this year has pushed everyone to their limits, a lot of tragedy compacted into twelve months with the lingering feelings lasting a bit more. When did it become truly like this, when the holidays, which should embolden the spirit just seem to be another trivial moment to get through? Is it a fact of growing up, growing old, or growing stagnant that we are forced to face the end of things in the way they are rather than we could be? I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, and certainly, while the issues are great, I'm not foolish to believe there aren't others in worse shape.

More later.

Friday, the 13th...aptly named

2009-11-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

It has been longer than I would have wished since my last post. I must confess, part of the problem has been my breaking down and embracing Facebook, and reconnecting with many people from my past. It's become second nature to post there than here, although I think that short phrased bursts are not something that I would commit to permanently.

Reconnection. That's a strange concept in a lot of ways, as you attempt to initially reach out to someone you've not seen or heard from in years if not decades. The first steps are always the hardest: The awkward approach and communication, followed shortly by the attempts to navigate through topics that you might have discussed in the past while feeling out the person you're connecting to. It's not an easy process, but one that I think is necessary to maintain the connections of friendship.

In the last month and a half, I've reconnected with old classmates, friends, co-workers, and people I've had in my life at one time or another. The strangest part of those moments is that each of them represents me at a different time, and while they are all part, I still realize that they are only aspects, and not the whole. It's like seeing a cross-section of yourself and finding out the old strengths and weaknesses laid open for display. The toughest part is that many of the people in that medium now have access to each other, and you see where the disconnect in yourself if while seeing them interact.

While there is no such thing as complete honesty in the electronic frontier, and even here the complete truth is often shielded, I'm finding that there is a degree of seeing the day to day changes in people to be very telling and truthful. I'm not deluded or ignorant to the idea that such truth is still a matter of what people want the world to see, far from it: I think that such is an indication, nothing more.

I would like to say that the period of reconnection is something I enjoy. I suppose however my luddite nature and the fact that I prefer personal interaction and communication to digital is still a big thing, and that while the internet, social networking, and even blogs allow us to stay connected and express ourselves, there are slight barriers I've found we all put up, the parts of us that we still live in private and wish no one to see, and to seek those out would be closer to voyeurism, something I'm not particularly fond of.

More later

- M -

The national novel writing contest.

2009-11-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

So here we are.

Not sure I like what I have, and it's under my skin regarding it. I started with my first idea, and the information and wording were flying. I could use what I've already written, but I don't want to jinx the idea which is the furthest along (49,569 words on that) with this one.

I listened to the advice of a favorite author of mine who suggested to start over when I hit a block. Hence, I'm liking the novel writing month.

So, I'm posting the first snippet of the new idea here. Thoughts are appreciated from the other authors in the nanowrimo.:

August 31st, 1689: The Prologue

The wagon pulled through the late summer shadows, finally stopping over the small overlook which presented a better view of the bay. While it was clear the large pines tapered away from the bayside, it was still a rough and broken landscape, so unlike their native Massachusetts. The Reverend, sitting dourly among amid the planks, nodded to the heavyset man to his side. While both wore the puritan style, neither man looked particularly like their brethren. The older minister’s gaunt features and gray pallor seemed to offset the ruddy heavy-faced companion, who despite the trappings of his black frock and hat, showed an obvious display of wealth rarely seen since the founding of the original colony.

“As I told you, brother Jonathan, the land is supple, accessible, and has the natural bay to shelter the boats and protection from the open sea” the heavy man added, slowly walking about to stretch his back, which made his considerable girth shake.

“Indeed” the Reverend said, looking around and shielding his eyes to take in the environment, ‘And of the natives? Tell me good brother Abraham, would they share your willingness to share this land with a new colony?”

“Strangely, they accepted the payment without question” Abraham nodded, looking around, “They of course spoke of in length regarding the spirits here, but I must confess…” Abraham paused, taking white cotton kerchief out to wipe his brow which had become drenched in sweat, “I believe that the talk was merely to drive up the price and to assure alliance”

The Reverend simply nodded, taking his own hat off to wipe his forehead. His dark gray eyes seemed to scan the land, and he felt himself color slightly as he recalled with great detail the discussions and disagreements that had led him to seek out Abraham Van Houten in the first place, and propose the new colony. The Reverend continued to look out across the bay, seeing the outcropping of rocks in the distance that seemed to lead up to a flat plane, an unusual feature. The Reverend watched for some time, trying to take in the surroundings, and understand the magnitude of what he was going to do. Must it come to this? His own thoughts on the matter, questioning each element of the decision, broken only from the chain of memory and thought by the sounds of Van Houten’s voice.

“Hmmm?”

“I said Reverend Jameson, I think with the right time, this colony could become very prosperous” Van Houten motioned, “The price is well-paid I think, and with that, I think that the colony could become self-sufficient within the next two years”

Jameson nodded, still not fully wishing to consider the break from the main colony. Van Houten was greedy, and Jameson knew it was making a deal with one who served the church in name only. The Dutchman had been already asked to leave another colony for his need of excess, and rumors had abounded that Van Houten and his new bride were not willing colonists, that even Van Houten had left a wife and children in Europe made Jameson smile politely at his companion, veiling the rising sense of disgust that continued to visit him.

“yes..” Jameson said, “The colony could support itself here”

Far off in the distance, across the great bay, Jameson watched and searched for some sign of divine guidance that would signify his right decision. When it did not come, Jameson felt a little afraid, caught between the possibility of what might be and the security of what is. It was not too late for the Reverend to make amends, although that would indeed force him to grovel for forgiveness, something his father had warned him never to do. No, despite his disgust at the corpulent Van Houten, it was clear that the colony here would be able to do the lord’s work.

It was now only a matter of gathering what was necessary and beginning. Jameson kneeled down and picked at a handful of earth, feeling the coolness of it, moving it between his fingers and realizing its richness. The land was good land, and yet, the nagging feeling of something being….off….continued to plague him.

“Let us begin” Reverend Jameson said, in almost benediction. The tone of his voice sounded somber and serious, and even Van Houten knew it was a moment of something more than just a statement: It was as real a beginning as if Reverend Jameson put spade to earth.

It would take time. Years would be necessary to truly make the colony work, but time is what they had barring the natives, disease, famine, the elements, or the enemies of mother country. The land seemed to welcome them, and yet, it wasn’t a welcome that felt as sincere as a welcome home….more as if it was welcome between a harlot and a regular patron, one of false sincerity and tempestuous will. The land was both profane and profound, and neither could it be mastered nor be broken. If the two men truly understand what they had set in motion, it could be considered doubtful that the colony would have been founded, for even as the land was sweet, the deep shadows held secrets that would never fully be revealed. Those deep shadows seemed to collect secrets, touching those first families and holding them fast in the web of a giant, shadowy spider that seemed to weave around them the promises of what could be, and the reality of what is.

Halloween-Time

2009-10-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Before it goes further, things are going remarkably well at the moment (as I hope not to jinx it), and I am hoping that things will continue. I was hoping that I'd have more news on Dad, but at the moment, things are simply on edge with this.

Today I thought I would focus on that most favorite of times for me, Halloween. While I'm not always the most outward celibrator of the tradition, Halloween always and will continue to always hold a special place in my heart. For one night, it seems that the magic that brightens the world from being such a gray place is at the zenith.

I've listed some of my favorite moments, but a handful belong to Halloween. From Halloween parties of the past to the events in the wee hours of the morning, Halloween holds a strength I normally do not see elsewhere in my life for a good time. I love the period leading to Halloween, and I love the moments during the early morning of the 31st, a feeling of electricty in the air that is unique even from such holidays like Christmas: A feeling that something is going to happen, but you're not quite sure what it is until it is over.

I've gone over my earliest good memories of Halloween in my youth, and the feeling it has always had of costumes, parties, and just the energy. I've had remarkable experiences on Halloween, and it has remained one of my best times.

One of the best memories of Halloween was in Westminster, coming back from a party nearly twenty years ago in a fog as thick as pea soup. I remember well coming back on the the old Poole Road, heading to a friend's at two in the morning. At that time, Poole Road was in heavy woods along pastures, hills, and a small ditch with less than a handful of houses nearby. I remember the fog was so thick you could literally not see more than ten feet ahead, and I made the decision to stop the car, headlights on, and get out. I knew it was every bad horror movie cliche known to man, but I walked in front of the car, and stared into the deep fog, hearing the sounds of the woods, defined to a new level by the experience and the fact it was Halloween (Although, technically November 1st). It was a wild experience, and I remember hoping to see something out there, some proof that made Halloween and the things associated with it possible. What I did see I'll keep to myself, but the experience stayed with me in a good way, and I walked back to my car, heading off again for my destination.

If Christmas is a holiday of family and the closeness of loved ones, Halloween is the time to yourself, one of those holidays in which is as much an individual experience as one defined by those around you. Yes, the parties in my life have been akin to legendary, but the experiences have each been unique and powerful, no matter what I've done. Halloween is to me as powerful a time as the original pagan holiday or the feast of All Saints: It is a holiday where a real sense of belief can be kept, and for a moment, you are as much a child as you were when you first went out trick or treating. One of the worst things I had to do was quit Trick or Treating, it was the true end of childhood, as it represented a true passage from childhood to adulthood, the ending of an era and the start of a new one, a concept that Halloween represents.

I still carve jack-o'-lanterns. I still love the crisp and overcast autumn days leading to Halloween. I still watch the same horror movies each year. I still look forward to costumes and disguises. Most importantly, I still hope to find that foggy night, to walk out in front of that car, and see that spectre that justifies the belief of child and adult alike, the spirit of the season.

Happy Halloween.

- M -

just my mood

2009-09-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

A bit of fiction

2009-09-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

"I put six bullets in him" Tull added, shaking his head while wiping the sweat away from his brow, 'And it only made him mad'

"Men don't walk after six bullets" added Lem, looking down the canyon, "Hell, a man gets unlucky, one does the trick"

"That's what I'm saying" Tull said, narrowing his eyes while turning away from the canyon, "I don't think it was a man"

"Looked like a man" Lem added, "Bled like a man"

"Bleeds like a man" Tull mirrored, "But not a man"

"Then what? What is it then Tull?" Lem asked questioningly

"One of them" Tull nodded, rising up to his full height and moving from the edge of the canyon wall. For a moment, Lem said nothing, only moving to stroke his salt and pepper moustache while the younger man moved to his horse.

"We don't have anything for them" Lem finally said, taking a breath and nodding, "It's a fool's errand to go down there unheeled"

Tull rummaged for a moment in his saddlebags, finally coming up with a handful of .44 cartridges, dull and heavier than the normal load. Within a second, Tull had switched the load in his pistols, and took a deep breath.

"I didn't come this far to give up, and I ain't giving up now" Tull answered, tossing the handful of collected shells onto the ground. Tull's eyes fell on Lem, and Lem could feel a deep and uncomfortable weight settle on him. To Lum, it was the most uncomfortable moment in recent memory, until Tull finally turned away.

"Head back in Lem, you can't help me now"

"We're in this together Tull" Lem protested, realizing as he spoke the sound of his own voice dying away with the breeze that kicked the dust up.

"Lem....you can't go, you're not heeled...and I need you to tell the rest of them about this" Tull added matter-of-factly. Tull didn't see Lem relax, but knew the older man was relieved just the same.

"You know Tull..." Lem added, "They've probably passed over the twilight with her".

"Yep" Tull answered, "And I guess I'm going to have to as well"

Tull looked out across the canyon bottom, covered in the shrubs and low trees leading to the far mountains. Pulling himself onto the roan, Tull said quietly, "I'll go to the east side of hell before I let them have her".
________

Just getting ready to finish and start my November writing. What do you think? This is rough, be gentle

What....the...hell

2009-09-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

For some time, actually nearly for a decade, I've supported RPGs in the Mid Atlantic region. In that time, I've rarely had my credentials or purposes questioned, but of course, there is a first.

Maybe I'm just not in the mood today, but clearly, it makes me feel like a hillbilly cousin to WOTC, which isn't too far from the truth. It's okay to be the Hillbilly cousin, but knowing it and being called out as it are two different things.

I've been involved with the gaming in the metro DC region for the better part of twenty years, I'd like to believe that despite it all, despite everything, I've built a number of connections, but I've never had them questioned by someone I've not heard of before.

While I understand the 'cover your ass' comments, I've issue with apparent rudeness. I don't go out of my way to cause people duress, I don't put my hands on people, and I don't sully or insult their particular venue, and I don't expect it from them.

This actually pisses me off.

More later

- M -

A crossroads of Direction

2009-09-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it had to happen: Leaping forward into new technology.

- Joined Facebook, and almost immediately reconnected with friends I've not seen in 20+ years. A weird feeling after all this time, and speaking to everyone from faithful friends to my little sister.

- Spent time away from the current situations and realized I'm not so certain where I am is healthy for me.

-Debated the value of a place versus the real identity of it.

- Waited to hear on Dad, and realized I needed to focus on Mom's health too.

- Ended up more tired than at the beginning of things.

More later. Just a quick update.

What a delightful news story.......

2009-09-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, today I came across the story on how the Washington Redskins are suing season ticketholders for their seats, if they cannot afford them, and then turning around and re-selling those seats even if paid for:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/02/AR2009090203887.html?hpid%3Dtopnews&sub=AR

I'm not going to debate the casuality of the economy, I'm not going to discuss with people who don't watch football the validity of the issue, and I'm certainly not going to fall into the entire 'Football sucks' and 'The Redskins are rascist' debate. This is about how a company and trusted brand are taking advantage of the law in the economy. Most individuals could fight the cases, but don't know where to begin, and that's the real issue here.

What bothers me more than that is that how people react on different boards on the nature of the season ticket holders are reacting. The old woman in the article has been demonized for not being able to afford her tickets, not addressing how when purchased, both her finances and status were in better straits. It bothers me how people are fracking jaded and don't understand that situations can change for anyone, and any time. It also bothers me that people who think they know everything never truly understand the elements of hunger, want, need, and necessity unless they've been there themselves, but my tirade on condescending advice is for another post.

Just read the article.

More later

-M-

1981: The Coolest year in films

2009-09-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

With Dragoncon not a possibility this summer, I thought I would actually reflect on cool ass things I like, movies chief among them.

A while ago, I got to thinking what year was the best in my mind for movies. I thought about it for some time, reflecting that perhaps 1981 was the best year, so far, for movies. Not just because of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but also for the following:

Dragonslayer
American Werewolf in London
The Last Chase
Escape from New York
Superman II
Stripes
Bustin' Lose
Clash of the Titans
Excalibur
Evil Dead
For your Eyes only
Gallipoli
Heavy Metal
History of the World Part I
The Howling
The Road Warrior
Wolfen
Outland
Quest for Fire
Taps
Thief
Saturday the 14th
Superman II
Looker
Time Bandits

And that's not the Academy Awards. Those were just films I really dug when I was younger, and when I looked at it, the most films in a year I liked.

Go figure, 1981 was one of the best years of my life. I miss that.

More later.

Avatar: First look

2009-08-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

I am a James Cameron fan.

Probably since 'Aliens', I've liked James Cameron movies. I've even sat through Titanic, and saw 'Ghosts of the Abyss'. To me, Cameron can do little wrong, except for the span of the last ten years where Cameron hasn't made a film.

After more than a few years of waiting, the first look at Avatar is here.

Trailer is pretty, but I'm hoping this isn't a 'military bad/native alien species who live in tranquility with environment good' sort of movie.

Eh, at least it's Cameron!

Dirk Gently

2009-08-17T08:38:00.001-07:00

Began re-reading Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency again over the weekend. I was always a fan, although ironically I read the sequel, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul long before I read the first book. How's that for interconnected disorder forming an orderly parallel. Perhaps I could research this into some sort of new finding for game theory?

I think things are at least calm at the moment. This is not to say that the deep currents are churning with force, but at the moment, I'm not as bombarded with questions. Could be the meds, could be the fact that I just hit my pre-set limit and found that I had to still get up, come to work, and keep moving forward. People don't need to worry, I'm not that batshit crazy yet. I'm more afraid that sooner or later, that internal censor that keeps me from spouting my true feelings on things in a tourretts sort of way will fail, and that will be interesting.

Dad is doing. This isn't a good time, but it's not something I can change either. I'll post more on that at some point in the future, but not today.

So, before you worry, don't. I've been here before. I'm much tougher and far more stubborn than I care to admit. The blog allows me to vent occasionally and clear my head, which is what I need at times, although, I have already broken the promise started when I scrapped the five years previously and restarted. Sometimes I regret that, but then I find an old post and even though I had several hundred posts, I realize it was for the best.

My 20th reunion was this weekend. I did not go for several reasons. Primarily, it was a weekend I needed to spend with Mom and Dad, but the other reason is that too much time has passed, I'm not connected to those people and that place as much as I thought. Some people will always have a special place in memory or in my heart, but a lot of them I think I'd like to politely forget. Maybe I'll see them at the 25th, we'll see.

More later.

- M -

That losing feeling

2009-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is me.

After all this time, maybe it is me that's the problem. I guess the last few weeks have put me sort of on the spot. I know I'm not always an easy person to know, and I know that it can be infuriating and difficult to be my friend. I know this, and I understand how it affects things. I realize I don't comprimise when I should. I feel foolish in the way I've treated my friends, something I hate to do.

I feel dread most of the time. Not the familiar fearful dread, but the dread lingers and grows into a dull throbbing. I think that some events lately have really set me off. People I've not dealt with in years have come back into my life if not indirectly, and I feel I may have alienated one of my oldest friends through inaction. To suggest or say I'm overwhelmed now is not only very valid but an understatement. I feel like I'm in a maelstrom and I'm being pulled down. Everything in my life is changing, and I'm not a fan of that.

I try to be a good person, a good man. Too often I find myself caught because I won't comprimise or that I've comprimised too much. I believe I can take it, but I'm not sure I want to. I have hurt people I care the most for, and that never goes away for me. That's the problem with memory: you remember all the bad with the good, and I can only see the bad.

That's where I am today.

- M -

Hal Haag dead at 62

2009-08-13T16:00:00.001-07:00

I've spoken at length regarding Baltimore, my experiences as part of the Gamers League of Baltimore Elite (GLOBE) and the friendships had and lost there.

Hal Haag was the father of my friend Evan, and deeply involved with the convention circuit. Well known for his beret and organization of several Balticons as well as his successful 1998 Worldcon Bid, Hal was the Gaming Czar at Balticon, and a man I respected.

It was as easy to infuriate Hal as it was to like him: He was occasionally short-tempered, but always would calm down and all would be well. I, like many others, butted heads with Hal, but it was always with the knowledge that it was just tempers flaring, nothing more. Whatever Hal's personal relationships were, I found Hal always to be cordial, friendly, and polite.

One of the last Balticons I attended I was able take Hal to breakfast and we talked on a variety of topics. I still hold that as an important moment at Balticon, and it was the first time I truly felt I had Hal's respect. Hal was clearly one of a kind, and I think the world is a bit dimmer without him.

Hal passed on Wednesday, 12 August 2009 of a heart attack. I do not know the details as of yet past that, and I'm a still a little surprised. While I have not seen Hal in well over a decade, I still remember the better times in Baltimore were usually at Balticon and with Hal's direction.

G.I. Joe: RIse of Cobra, a fan's review

2009-08-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

First, I should preface this by saying that I rather liked GI Joe when I was younger. I enjoyed the comic and I remember some of the last toys I bought when I was a kid were the GI Joes. I had the larger versions when I was very young, and when the 3 3/4 Joes came out, I had my favorites from Snake Eyes to Recondo and Flint. The comic was honestly one of the best books out there, translating a children's toyline to a more in-depth story with appropriate character backstories wasn't an easy task. Larry Hama was and still remains one of my favorite writers, and his take on Snake Eyes especially was downright cool.

That being said, I was dubious when the GI Joe movie was announced, because it's the problem all things have when translated from a medium you know and enjoy to a compressed two hour time frame. Specifically, I had issues when the script was rushed forward and the assembled cast wasn't inspiring. I did enjoy the fact that Steven Sommers was directing it, the director of such films as The Mummy, Deep Rising, and the much maligned (though I liked it a lot) Van Helsing. When the first series of trailers came out, I was hopeful, telling friends I thought at least the fight scenes between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow would be cool. I went into the movie with that expectation, that it would be a fun summer film that wouldn't take something I liked and crap it out. With that thought, I became further dubious when the film was withheld from critics, and the two critics at Aint-it-cool.com, whose credibility has been for years sorely lacking, raved about it.

I went to the film and was disappointed. No, disappointed is something I felt after Wolverine: Origins, which is still slightly a worse movie. GI Joe: Rise of Cobra (from now on GIJRoC) is an awful movie, which sadly even makes Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Shakespearean in comparison. GIJRoC doesn't simply misuse the characters its given, it makes them parodies. How hard is it to make a movie based on a children's toy a parody? Well, Paramount managed to do it.

I like Dennis Quaid, but it's almost as if he phoned in his peformance. Chatum Tatum is marginally all right, and please someone, stop Marlon Wayans from being the plucky sidekick? I am always a Christopher Eccelston fan, but he's sorely misused as his Destro. The real villain of the movie isn't Cobra Commander and some sort of weird plan to seize power but by the awful dialoge and chain of action sequences that make little sense. Snake Eyes should have carried the movie for me, if the costume wasn't off by a serious amount, such as being able to see his face or the fact he wore pants into combat, pants! Snake Eyes simply looked out of place, and it was very difficult for me to envision the Joes capable of saving the world, themselves, Paris, or really anything. Sienna Miller's the Baroness is nice to look at, but the backstory given to her is confusing, stupid, and ultimately an insult to an interesting idea.

The direction isn't the problem, it's the execution of the story and the failure to really grab the attention of anyone over the age of ten to what should be a fun summer film. The effects do not have the impact that I think are intended except the most explosive set, which includes the Eiffel Tower. The open sequence is unnecessary when exposition could have been performed, and Andre Vosloo, most famous for portraying the mummy in Sommer's other films was so underused in comparison that I felt his prescence was almost non-existant.

Is GIJRoC destined to be a movie so bad it's good? No. I think that while it may do well in the box office, the compairson by the other critics to Transformers is sorely overstated and lacking. At least the build-up in the first movie was entertaining, and the characters actually attempted to maintain some sort of semblance to the characters that adults and children alike knew. I think that GIJRoC is still not as bad as X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but then again, few films are.

I give GIJRoC two Yo Joes out of a possible five.

More of this, a little of that.

2009-07-31T06:52:00.000-07:00

About ten days later, and nothing newer to report. I guess that's good, but it's not perferct. I wonder a great deal if anything is.

What is there to report? I ended up speaking with a girl I knew in high school, someone we didn't always see eye to eye with. We attended middle and high school together, share the same birthday, and have travelled in similar circles, albeit it in wide orbits. The reason for the conversation was somewhat simple: To discuss the pending 20th high school graduation reunion. I am still on the fence, as everything with my father has put things to the right. I wonder honestly why I should go, as I have here as well, and there is no clear answers. I think the reason to go would be to perhaps reconnect with individuals I've not seen, but I'm not so certain I want to, or if my being there would matter one way or another.

So, what to do? I think that a person has to navigate their future and their past almost at the same time, sort of like spiritual/karmic kayaking. In a lot of ways, the idea of my reunion is sort of a metaphor where I am, debating on the merits of the past twenty years and finding out that I, like so many people, have a lot more growing to do in order to be an 'adult'.

I'm feeling a gradual drifting away on the thing that define me as who I am, and I'm not certain if I like what's left. I tell many of my friends and family that the more things push away, the harder we need to push back to hold onto those things that define us, including the people that define us. I think that ultimately, we define ourselves, not through our successes and failures, but how we treat one another and what we do to make someone else better for it. It's the idealized concept of the Golden Rule, and it's something that woefully we as a species fail at.

Too many friends seem to be lost in their own battles at the moment, and a feeling of utter powerlessness that creeps into me makes me unable to do what I can to help. Conversely, I feel older feelings that aren't so dead and buried beginning to slink back into the forefront. I am finding myself looking at old arguements and discussions with people and finding in some cases I've held back too much or not often enough.

I'm still moving, although the pace is slowed somewhat, and I'm trying to deal with a number of issues with few of them mine. I'm hoping that the people in my own orbit realize I'm not being distant or callous, I'm simply trying to plot a course that I can honestly navigate through the next few months and remain cautiously sane.

We'll see how that goes.

More later

- M -

It's official.

2009-07-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dad has Pancreatic Cancer. The biopsy has proven it. I'm not sure what to say or what can be done. I know I need to make some big changes in my life shortly, and it's one of those things I'll comment more on later.

I had a dream last night where I was in a graveyard, and I followed a path that led into a house. As I entered the house, I could hear cats crying, kittens really, and I realized I couldn't take them with me. I followed the path in and I saw it was more like a crypt, with bodies under glass and the hallways leading to another house, all dimly lit. I arrived and met a woman there who was the caretaker, and she was leading me around. I saw Dad there for a moment, sitting at a table, and I saw three doors, one of which the woman was reluctant for me to use. I became curious and opened it, and I saw it seemingly exited into stairway leading to a basement, where black dogs seemed ready to come up. The woman told me not to use the door, but I did so anyway, and found myself not only free of the house, but feeling as if I had narrowly escaped something.

I interpret dreams for friends, it's a gift I've never mentioned before because I don't want people to think I'm weird. I look at the dream and I see some obvious meanings, and I have to wonder about the subtle meanings. I know what they mean, I'm just not ready to discuss them yet.

I guess I need to go back to work now.

- M -

Green Lantern.

2009-07-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

Many people who read this know I like comics.

In many ways, comics are my preferred mythology, if not the mythology of the modern era. Many of the characters hold special places as heroes in my life when I was younger, and some I still follow because I like the stories.

So, the Green Lantern movie has finally been cast with this man:

Ryan Reynolds.

I'm not certain he's how I pictured Hal Jordan....in comparison, here is something I think hit my idea on Jordan more:

Just my thoughts...

Fighting the good fight

2009-07-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

You know it's funny.

Not in the way that we are used for things to be funny, rather the ironic funny that we don't always get to see. I'm fighting the idea that my stepfather is very ill, even dying, and that I'm in the situation where we may lose the house that we've worked hard to keep. On top of it all, I'm sick again.

I was told by someone I don't like to give up on things to the point of determent, and that if I'm not careful, I'll get set in my ways and unwilling to move. I guess that's true. I feel like I'm in the maelstrom right now, swirling all around me and threatning to capcize me. Just need to hold on a bit longer, see these things through, and maybe hold onto what faith I've got left.

We'll see.

More later

M

No easy answers

2009-07-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

A year and some change, I had another blog. It was a more personal affair, one in which I put a lot more of myself out there than I do now. I deleted it, partially because I didn't want that much of me open like that, another was security concerns, and the final reason is that I wanted to go in another direction, holding more true to the idea that this blog was just for me, and that it was as I have reminded a friend several times, a clearing house for thoughts and ideas. I don't claim it to be any more than it is, which is a collection of ideas, something different than the last one with a trace of the occasional rant.

That isn't how it is today. I found out on Friday my stepdad has pancreatic cancer. We found out on Tuesday, and it was confirmed on Friday. It's been a weird few days, a loss of hours that makes it even harder to deal with and even harder still to accept. I guess I'm writing this now because I need to put those things in perspective.

For one, I have to consider what is going to happen. Logically I know, logically I understand the courses of treatment and how they will affect him. I know this and it still feels raw and emotional and I find myself questioning faith. I'm worried for him, for my mom, and for their future. The idea was that my dad was working again to pay off the house, and now that's a problem. There is a real and tangible danger that they will lose their home. I'm not sure how to fight the possible loss of my dad and the loss of their home. I have to be stronger for both of them. I never saw or heard my mom cry as she has the last week, and it's not good. They need each other, and I keep praying I'll either wake up and deal with this as one of the numerous bad dreams I have or that there will be a good way with all of this.

I don't know. I'm worried, first time I can honestly say I'm not certain. I guess I just don't care if I'm breaking the rules I put in place. I'm tired, I'm worn, and I'm not just not certain about some things. The world and all of its problems and potentials seems faraway.

So I'm writing this tonight because I need to get it out, so I can find some shelter against the emotional part of it, so I can get perspective. I'm a private person, but I don't think I can be private about this and still function. I'm not certain my Mom can deal with this, and what might come, and that's what worries me.

My step-dad took care of me when I was at my worst, he helped me get into and through college, and he's paid a price for that both economically and I think emotionally. It isn't fair this happens to them, and while I'm told it's not fair, and life isn't fair, I see a lot of things that simply fill me with rage, anger, and hurt to say otherwise.

I'm just tired.

A bit of fiction

2009-07-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

Just a random musing:

The world has moved on.

I can feel the dead weight of the earth, spinning slowly as the steam from the dull warm rain continues to beat down. She's cold now, I can feel her warmth bleeding away into the small puddles that rise up as the dull raindrops pound nearby. I cradle her for a moment, feeling her against me and realizing that she's moved on too. I feel my lips brush against hers for the final time, and I close my eyes, holding the taste of her, her smells, those little scents that were always present in my mind for that moment. I can taste passing....sorrow....and death.

I let her fall back gently, laying her down for a moment in the warmth of the rainstorm, and I slowly stand up, pulling my coat and hat around me. The rain falls harder, I don't feel it anymore. The rain is the reminder of the world that was, and now there is the world that is. I pull the hat tighter, shielding my eyes against the splatter of raindrops. The crack of dull thunder, muted by the world's end sounds in the distant east, and I turn my head slightly towards the sound, the flash already passing. It's time I think to myself, to move on as well.

I turn away from her, part of me uncertain as to what to say or do, and the other remembering my purpose, the necessity of moving on, if not the need of survival. She's cold now, warmed only by the rain, and I feel that coldness, that slowly frigid point bury deep inside me somewhere. Push through it I tell myself, walk away, move on.

I find myself moving without even understanding how I began, not understand how it will all end, but moving on.

The world has moved on, and so have I.

____________________________

Just a lil homage to Stephen King.

More later.

A lil review on that pesky Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen Movie

2009-06-29T08:14:00.001-07:00

You know what makes a good summer movie? The idea that it takes you to somewhere else for a few hours, shows a few thrills and moments that make you jump, and gives you a feeling your money was well spent. Summer has already given a good film in Star Trek and has given a few that needs a lot of work (I'm looking at you X-Men Origins: Wolverine). While the summer season isn't over, the biggest of the films has opened, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

ROTF is not a perfect movie. ROTF isn't even a perfect sequel. It's about two and a half hours of ideas strung together with a central theme of what leadership is (I think), and that it has cool explosions and robots that turn into all sorts of things. Now, I'm a fan of Transformers, I liked the first movie even if I couldn't necessarily tell Iron Hide from others, but with all the new Autobots and Decepticons running about, it's hard to see who is who. The greatest failure of the movie however is the concise nature of the plot and the lack of a convincing "Superbad" in the role of the Fallen. Literally, the guy is in the movie for less than fifteen minutes and he's supposedly the one to fear?

While it is always a pleasure to see Megan Fox, she was woefully under-utilized serving primarily as the 'girlfriend' and very little else. The Chemistry between the leads isn't allowed to grow further unlike the first movie, it seems that the real emphasis is how many explosions are in the film at the expense of character development. Yes, I know that I'm asking for character development in a summer blockbuster, but it should be there.

While the story is weakened by overload of special effects, and while the story has plot holes nearly X-men Origins large, there are many redeeming features about the film. First, John Turturro is always good in whatever he does, and his Agent Simmons has some of the best moments in the movie, and I think is allowed to go from comic relief to real action hero in a pivotal scene with the Great Pyramids and Devastator. I enjoyed seeing Soundwave and Ravage, two of my personal favorite Transformers, and despite it all, I think Shia LeBeouf does a good job. That says a lot coming from me, but LeBeouf holds his own. Some of the scenes are downright awesome, the fight in the forest between Optimus and every Decepticon imaginable is good, and I liked Jetfire as being a falling apart Decepticon who switches sides (also voiced by Turturro). My biggest issue is it takes the ending to make Optimus Prime the character he was in those old cartoons, and when it does indeed occur, the ending and especially the final duel with Megatron and the Fallen is short, anti-climatic, and sadly pointless. I won't even address the charges of racist stereotypes that been suggest on the characters of 'The Twins', that's a post for someone else.

ROTF suffers from a series of faults that stem from the old issue of adding too much to the film. I think if/when a third movie is made, it will require more detail to re-engage the audience to the elements that worked in the first film: The idea that despite the origins of the Transformers as toys, it is the humanizing characterizations that make the film work.

I give Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Two and a half Lazerbeaks out of five.

So far, the best Summer Movies:

1. Star Trek

2. Public Enemies

3. Drag me to Hell

4. Terminator: Salvation

5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

6. Year One tied with Land of the Lost (Aren't they the same movie?)

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

20 years later.

2009-06-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's been 20 years since I graduated High School. 20 years in which I had a vague idea of where my life would carry me, 20 years of plans and ideas that might lead me somewhere I could be happy. No, that's not quite right, it's not quite the answer that should be easily found.

I suppose I look back with a mix of stark wonder and silent humiliated rage. Too much was happening even then, although for the most part I was happily oblivious: I really hadn't dealt with my life as of yet or begun the grueling periods of young adulthood in which I would find I was perhaps woefully ill-prepared.

I graduated, but I really didn't understand what I was leaving or where I was going. Part of me was greatly relieved to escape a place that I didn't feel I ever fully belonged, and shaking the emotional scarring of classmates was a welcomed relief. For a few months, I was in limbo, truly uncertain that I had a full grasp on what I was supposed to do.

We all have that summer, that period of our lives in which things are the last of something. The last good time, the last taste of freedom, the last moments of innocence, the last time you felt awake/alive/purposeful. 1989 was that summer. That period in which I was free for a while of the problems that plagued me since I was younger and have intensified in the later years. It was the last time I felt fully wild, free, and happy. It was the summer I did a lot of firsts, and the summer that changed my perspective on the future. Until then, I had no goals, but I began to forge them ever so slowly.

I remember that I met what I thought were the friends that would carry me through the worst periods of my life, finding that only a few would be there, while the rest were pretty damned awful. It was the summer I began to go to Baltimore with regularity to 'hang out' with my friends. I felt sort of part of a group for the first time, and for a brief period of six months, I think I was the person I had at that point always wanted to be.

My mom said something once, which I guess is true now if not more so: We look back on our lives with different perspectives. I wonder at times, and as you may have noticed, at different points, if I would change elements of things that occured. The old 'If I could change things, would I' arguement. I guess in the end, I have to live with it..but for several months, it was a good time, the best of times.

I made stupid mistakes after that period that I'm still living down. I had to learn the hard way on who I could trust, how much I could trust people, and that everything I thought I had learned about myself and life was pretty much wrong. I hadn't really gone through the pains of growing up yet, and I really didn't understand that time didn't wait for things. I thought I had all of the time in the world, and I believed, honestly believed, that I had all the time in the world with the people I cared about, the ideas and dreams I held, and all of that. It was a pretty harsh wake-up call when it occurred, and it isn't something that I can put my finger on. I know that I regret a lot more than I did twenty years ago, that I feel old and not mature, and that despite it all, I'm still haunted, for there is no better word than haunted, by my past mistakes and misteps.

In the end, I guess we all look back with some thoughts on our past as halcyon days, that somewhere it was better, that things had more promise than they do now. I guess I'm there, looking back and seeing myself as I was, wishing I could impart some wisdom and knowledge to that younger me, hoping that he wouldn't make some of the mistakes I know he would.

I'm still wrestling with the idea of the reunion. I'm not committed to go as of yet, and I find myself fighting the desire to go because while I think it would be interesting to see so many of my old classmates, the people I care the most about are there anymore. I find I have less and less in common with that point in my life, and when I try to think of the good times, I find them more with people not connected to my graduating class. I guess six years together is too long that even twenty years can't change, I just don't know.

More later.

- M -

The Return.

2009-06-15T05:35:00.000-07:00

Yet another Comic post.

http://www.newsarama.com/comics/060915-Cap-Reborn.html

With hesistation, I'm looking forward to it.

We'll see.

Flashback to the before times....

2009-06-07T19:52:00.001-07:00

I'm often amused/amazed/stunned/left with a profound sense of WTF on the need to make movies out of old television shows.

Case in point, Land of the Lost.

Now, I recently told friends I was actually somewhat optimistic. I had wanted to believe that the movie would in fact be something nostalgic. Let's face it, if you grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, chances are you've seen the original series. I remember seeing it when it was first on, thinking as a child it was the coolest thing ever, for a lot of reasons. First, it was the first real science-fiction show geared towards children that didn't talk down to them for the most part. The storylines in the first season were actually fairly cool, even with the camp. Second, it had dinosaurs and some of the most terrifying creatures ever developed for dark shadowy places, the Sleestaks. I didn't realize until years later there were only three suits, and as such, only three sleestaks, but it always seemed like there were more. Third, the kids actually had responsibilities and were treated by the adults as equals in risk and task. Finally, the writing featured a lot of lumaries of science fiction in the mid-1970s, including personal favorites like Larry Niven.

So, why did I dig the show? I think because it was so out there from what else was on, and it had a bible for what could and couldn't occur (except for seasons three). Nothing could leave the Land of the Lost without something replacing it, and the control crystals were definately cool. I always liked the show, I admit it, and I was always a fan. Maybe not a vocal fan, but definately a fan none the less. I wanted to to see Will and Holly get home, and at the same time, never realized until I was older that the show only lasted three seasons.

So, is this a review of the movie? No, not yet, but there is one coming, along with a belated Terminator: Salvation review. The fact is, I am dubious about the movie, mainly because I do have fond memories of the show, and I thought despite the camp, it was something very cool. I'ved been checking the web and found many other people thought the same thing, and pretty much if you had to name the three or four shows that rounded out the american experience for Saturday mornings from the 1970s, you'd come up with Scooby Doo, Superfriends, the Smurfs, Spiderman and his Amazing friends, Land of the Lost, and perhaps Looney Toons. I think that Land of the Lost remains an intrinsic part of the psyche of my generation, and as such, the movie can only do right by that memory if it isn't a complete send-up.

I think the elemental fear of sleestaks still remains somewhere within my psyche. At any rate, I thought I would post something a little light.

More later, including a review.

- M -

A bit of things here and there.

2009-06-05T06:08:00.000-07:00

It's a funny thing.

Anyone who knows this blog understands that I hold three things as complete truths: Most things follow a pattern or cycle, Most things are interconnected to one another, and karma is a strong motivator and effect of behavior. While many people may debate the validity of those things, I have so far found them to be rather true and not just for myself.

So, with the standard disclaimer of a complete lack of self-perfection, I find myself asking in general and in specific, WTF.

If you need me to spell that out, I can't here, this is a family blog.

Our entire species has devolved to the point where fear, repetition, loss, stagnation, and status quo have begun to take hold as our standards. Okay, maybe that is a bit negative, but at the moment, I'm seeing too much of that. I need a vacation. Maybe somewhere warm, somewhere not here, where people's small things are off my plate and onto their own.

What measures success? Is it the amount of what you have or the ability to live comfortably in your own skin? Is it happiness or simple realization of dreams? I would for the most part like to believe that success is pretty much an illusion. We spend a chunk of our lives trying to achieve something, and the other half maintaining it or hiding the result I'm beginning to believe.

Is this negative? Well, it's not a pollyana version of things. I think that too often people assume too much or too little about their fellows, missing the point of action for flawed perception of what occurred. I think that too often we're wrapped so tightly in our visions of where we stand we don't actually look to see what we're standing on, or that too often, we've decided all we need to know about someone without really knowing them or making the attempt to understand their point of view. That's the part that bothers me. I could say the same thing (and have) over and over again, and still have the meaning lost.

So in the words of a great thinker: BLEGH!

It's raining today, cold and rainy and I feel every drop right now. I think that the weather affects things, but there is bad news a-plenty if you went looking for it. Need to get back to writing at some point, been about a week, but I'm in no rush. I've things I need to do which takes priority. Too many irons in the f ire and then again, perhaps not enough. Regardless, It's shaping up to be day that I'm eagerly waiting to end so I could return home to hide under the bed.

Again, BLEGH!

So this post is more about a general cynicism that seems to be taking hold, which I'm not so certain is a bad thing. I would enjoy a day where friends don't act arrogant, where the news isn't all bad, and pundits would shut their fat, stinking, foul mouth for 24 hours.

BLEGH!

The long overdue Star Trek Review

2009-05-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's time to admit something here and now;

I like Star Trek.

A big surprise there, but over the years, I find that I like the Star Trek movies more and more, except the bad ones....the odd ones. I think that Star Trek was pretty cool, and I was a fan of the original series and some of Next Generation.

The franchise however has been lagging and slowly languishing under prequel series and what have. Technobabble replaced the quality of stories at times, and the last movie, Star Trek: Nemesis left a lot to be desired. The problem I think has been that people who weren't familiar with the series had begun to draft the movies, and that was a problem.

While I liked Star Trek, I hated Enterprise. As a rule, I hate most prequels on principle: Prequels invariably tell a story that I think shouldn't have been told, that attempt to flesh out the characters you already know in ways that really don't do them justice. With that said, I went into the movie with a very wary attitude. Coupled with the idea that J.J. Abrahms from "Lost" and "Alias" was behind the movie, I was more than a little hesitant. When I heard it was a prequel, I became a little more agitated that I thought the ideas of what I liked were going by the wayside.

Wow, was I wrong.

Star Trek is probably the best movie I've seen this year. In one hand it's able to tell an engaging story with characters you know in settings you might recognize, but at the same time make all of it seem new and different. The movie manages to maintain the idea of continuity with the original series and TNG era by stating up front that events have created an alternate timeline, which allows Abrahms and company to plot out new adventures to their hearts content. The movie manages to be nostalgic and at the same time fresh, all the while giving the viewer access to the vast problem of Star Trek movies: If you didn't see the series, how to access the large background and make it palatable.

Simply put, Star Trek is an origin story, on how the most recognized crew of the Enterprise became such, but due to the machinations of a time-displaced villain, changed from what was the future to an alternate one. Abrahms states openly that the 'official' continuity is the TNG era, allowing him to play around with convention and presenting an exciting take on what has come before. Each character is cleverly reinvented, drawing on the original characterizations while making them very fresh. Leonard Nimoy appears to give some credence to the relaunch, and it works. Even the storytelling no-no of Time Travel doesn't have the same bite, and adds to the story rather than serving as the Deux Ex Machina.

There are two strengths the movie possesses and one weakness. The first strength is the characterization of the main characters, which is handled deftly by Robert Orzca's writing. The characters are without a doubt some of the more engaging characters out there. From Kirk's "I got your gun" to Spock's seething "Live Long and Prosper" the characters drive the movie as much as the action, effects, or any of the expectations from long time fans.

The second strength is the action, which is handled without the typical failure of 'scenes wrapped around an image' that looks cool. Certainly several of the sequences, from the opening attack on the USS Kelvin to the free-fall towards Vulcan are as cool as they come, but they serve a purpose, a stark contrast to the action in X-Men Origins: Wolverine where it seems plot was written around those images. Action is smart, and that's a refreshing change.

The greatest weakness is not a slight against Eric Bana, but the character of Nero. Nero seems that he could have been fleshed out to a greater degree rather than the simple revenge against those who have wronged him. I liked the idea of Nero, I liked the scenes with Nero in them, but I felt there wasn't enough to truly make Nero as memorable a villain and/or foil to the protagonists. Nero was still better than the last few 'big bads', but not as good as he could have been, and detail would have been a greater strength.

Even with the flaw of a superb villain, Star Trek is pretty much a essential action film that's smart, witty, engaging, and most importantly, hopeful: It's a movie that you want to see more of, and find yourself eagerly awaiting a sequel. So far, it's the movie to beat for best film of the summer, and while Night at the museum: Battle for the Smithsonian comes a good second, it's still the movie that builds the most interest and steam for a return visit to the theater.

I give it 5 gorns out of 5 gorns.

A few thoughts

2009-05-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sums it all up, don't it?

So, that little Wolverine movie...

2009-05-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Okay, before I go any further, let's address what will not be this review: An overview of the film, a background on the characters involved, a spoiler-free look, and probably a glowing review.

How does that work?

I don't know, but I'm making this part up as I go.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (from now on known as XOW) attempts to bridge the mysterious background of the character of Logan from the X-Men movies. A fan favorite for well over thirty years, Wolverine's mysterious past and connections within the X-verse have been explored both good and bad by a myriad of writers of various levels and ability. With that being said, this review won't discuss that so much as how the movie failed to be a concise movie.

First, let me say that most of the principal actors go out there and make it work when the script lets them. Hugh Jackman captures Wolverine pretty much from the source material, Danny Huston (Who is often an underrated actor) is awesome, and Lieb Schrieber is perhaps the third best comic villain to date (Heath Ledger as the Joker and Alfred Molina as the other two, a strong tie is Jeff Bridges, but that's another post). The actors try to make the movie more than it is.

Sadly, however, the script pretty much does an anaconda hold on logic and story, thrashing wildly as it drags the good parts into a murky and uncertain fate. The fact is, that as movies go, this is okay, not great, but okay. The leaps in logic will make you think that you are a parkour specialist, and the simply flaws that could have been easily corrected weren't.

Rather than hammer out the necessity to stuff as many X-characters into the third movie as possible, the writers should have focused on a few test audiences and held off. Come on now, adamantium bullets? Why the hell didn't Stryker give the guy whose mutant power was gun-kata the gun? I guess because that would have been common sense, which the movie lacks in spades.

Now, was it so terrible that people won't like it? I think it's a summer movie, it's not Shakespeare nor is it something you need your full brain, but in the wake of a series of mostly well done movies using comics as the base (definately not Punisher: War Zone or The Spirit), it could have been much, much more.

My major issues have been in relation to the idea that Wolverine was a loner, someone who was as much a victim of the program he volunteered for as he was able to benefit from it. The scenes that could have defined the movie were short and seemed more geared to a quick ten second introduction to the character. Deadpool is a good example of this, because here was a chance to really have a spin-off that would have been good, but it's wasted. Hell, the producers were teasing a Gambit spin-off before the movie even was released, but in the end, the character wasn't strong enough in my mind to warrant it. The movie did everything BUT focus on Logan's descent into that beserker we all loved, and the rise back into the hero he was for that short time before the character crossed over into every comic known to man. We get it, he's popular...but why is he popular? Is it the claws? It certainly isn't the mysterious background...because if this is what Wolverine's history is (It's not...completely), then I can't see it.

I had the weird idea that if you were shot in the head, losing your memory would be the least of your worries..

I give XO:W two Snikts! out of a possible five Snikts!

Let's hope by the time that X-Men Origins: Professor X's cousin Ernie Xavier is better put together.

A few words to live by

2009-04-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe this will explain it best:

'Man form La Mancha'

DON QUIXOTE
It is the mission of each true knight...
His duty... nay, his privilege!
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;
To right the unrightable wrong.

To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!

This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!

And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!

The price of love

2009-04-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.

It was a long weekend. It had its moments both good and bad, and the work I put into things may have met my levels of what I think is good. Time will tell.

Spent some time working on the book. The biggest problem right now is scheduling time to write and more importantly, research. I've done four chapters, but I think I'll set a goal of when I meet a certain number I'll go back and begin revising. Each writer is different, but I need to do additional research in order to shore things up.

No, that's not what I want to talk about. I'm in a position right now where I'm trying to make sense out of several things and coming up with the same answers in many occasions.

I hold the idea of loyalty to be the strongest of all virtues, followed by love. Without loyalty however in relationships and in love, there is no trust, and without trust, there is no intimacy. In friendships however, loyalty is a bond in which people respect, understand, and attempt to be better towards one another.

I've been in love three times in my life. Each ended because of lack of communication, lack of understanding, and a lack of truly accepting the other person's strengths and faults. I think I find that people have images of what a person is and what a person could be, and they don't always match up. We are often victims of our own first impressions, and in love, that's always the most dangerous.

I've imagined love as a powerful bond between people. where all truths and all support existed, where partners really made the attempt to help and nurture each other through the good and bad times, however long they last. I mainly thought of love as a fragile, delicate thing that like a dream wasn't meant to last in the world, but while it did it brought color to a gray and colorless place.

I was wrong.

Love is the hardest of all thing to deal with, to understand, or to have in your life. A person has to be willing not just to change who they are, but understand what their partner needs from them and be able to adapt accordingly. Love is not fragile, but partners can make it difficult to maintain that emotional connection. a callous word or reminders of failings can damage love more than anything else. We live in a world where we are told early on we can do everything and anything. The simple truth is the people around us determine what we know and are capable of. If a group who supports you says 'the sky is blue' every day, eventually you might say that. If a group says you're not in love, you might believe that. It's hard to fight against those things, but you have to.

I think you can love with your soul so much it hurts, and will still hurt years after the love has passed. I think that people don't recognize that, that despite what will pass, that love is an eternal thing, something that each of us need., that each of us want, and that the world will work hard against.

Is this how i feel right now? I'm not certain. I have thoughts right now I think I'll keep to myself on the matter. This isn't me lamenting a lost love, it's me I think explaining another viewpoint, or how I could see things.

At any rate, back to the idea of writing.

More Later

- M -

Short but sweet

2009-04-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Just a short and sweet post.

Nothing big. Something to announce. Working to finish novel shortly. Need to re-plan last few chapters, but it's getting there.

More Later

- M -

Tax Day and Tea Bag Day?

2009-04-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

you know what I hate more than paying taxes? People being led astray in their zeal to blame something they know little about.

Tea Bag parties.

Let me say this: Like it or not, we're in the this together. We're a system of checks and balances. We had an election. One party lost, and another party won. A president was selected both in popular vote and with the electoral college. The event was called ELECTION DAY.

Now a few people who are sponsored by Fox News, and for a moment, let me address this, if they were not sponsoring it, then why were they promoting it weeks ago? It's a promotion effort on behalf of one side of the political effort to show how 'common americans' are not happy with things, even though every poll suggests otherwise, even though recovery is slowly moving forward economically. Instead of supporting the DULY ELECTED officier, they would rather make a spectacle of 'protests'.

First, let me address a few things in my craw. The first thing is this: Obama won. It was a first for this country, it was a pretty amazing moment historically, but more importantly, it was a complete change in leadership and style. History will judge if Obama is a good leader, not the current pundits. Wishing the President to fail in office is akin to treason and/or madness: By wishing his failure, you wish ours. While Obama may not be the perfect fit, he is indeed the one elected, and right or wrong, if you want to succeed as a country, you have to want him to succeed. Just as I wished Bush well when he became president, I wish Obama well.

No, what really galls me is that eight years ago, it was 'America: Love it or Leave it', and now that the parties and officers have changed, it's now patriotic to go against the majority? This makes no sense.

Let's get to Tea Parties: A protest against taxes which were established by the former administration and that are blaming the current administration, less than 125 days into office. Awesome....I wonder, have any of the participants actually realized this?

We live in dangerous times, both from threats abroad and within our world's economic platforms. There are two choices: Attempt to fix a problem or whine about it. The tea-baggers (and I hope they realize the inference they afixed themselves with) come to realize that they aren't showing patriotism, they are in fact showing cronyism.

Patriots would work within the system as presented, that means with the elected officials. Instead, a handful of zealots who were whipped into a frenzy attempt to undo the will and mandate of an entire country's philosophy.

So, they wrap themselves in the airs of a patriot, striking images of the common man and the historical patriots of the past, all the while condemning what doesn't fit into their view of what the country's view and direction are about.

This country allows the freedom of assembly, the freedom of speech, and the freedom to express your views openly and without fear. While those freedoms are guarenteed, it was the intent of the founding fathers that people should question and act responsibily in our society. The greatest form of patriotism is not simply accepting what you don't know, but to educate yourself and when the proper opportunity arises, challenge that authority with knowledge and skill, not in the mob mentality. Fox News has unfortunately taken the idea of the mob, slapped a reference to a historical event on it, and repackaged it as patriotic.

In 1773, a group of what was then considered radicals boarded three vessels, the Darthmouth, the eleanor, and the beaver and dumped a consignment of tea into the Boston Harbor to show displeasure to the Townsend Acts. The events that premeditated the event were building for years dealing with a true lack of representation to Parliment and the English Crown, not an elected body chosen by the majority of the people. The Tea Party was perhaps the first real strike on the road to the American Revolution, and the one event that was tied to the desperation of the citizens of the colonies. The Boston Tea Party was the last act for the citizens, as they attempted to use reason to achieve their ends, not the mob mentality. Liberty is not free, but also it is not an endeavor that should be rushed into foolishly. Even Samuel Adams, considered fiery or radical at the time exhaused all possible means to resolve the isssue.

The right of every American is representation. You may not like the party system, your leaders may not be the party you want, and the laws may not be to your liking, but you know, you have the right to change that. That time of change is every November during elections. All I would ask is that people educate themselves fully into what is right or wrong, not simply and in some cases blindly embrace something without fully considering it. The events today are not events of a desperate people without a voice in their government: The events are sponsored by those who simply want to show they have value still in a system that they are not part of, a system that duly elected representatives who should concern themselves more with helping the country recover than dropping tea bags into a bucket.

I rarely get political here, but this was just pissing me off.

- M -

Somewhere, a lit professor is smiling:

2009-04-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

An experiment in stream of consciousness:

Later than usual.

Listening to 'Viva La Vida'

Talkin' to her on the phone. She's not here. She's elsewhere having the time of her life.

Not part of that life anymore. Never felt it as much as I do right now.

Miss that part of life. Told to forget the past.

You read this blog. You know the past is not something to forget, it's a part of the present.

wondering on the eve of Easter if we'll be forgiven for what we've done.

Everyone needs forgiveness from someone, right?

Some sins you'll never walk off.

Some sins you'll never walk away from.

Is it the strength to defeat them

Or is the strength to withstand them?

I stare at strangers who I'll never meet having times that I'll never know.

I fall in love with women I'll never see, and if I did, I'd probably not speak to

Not out of content....out of fear.

When do we get to be heroes?

Just for one day?

Is life a labrynth or a journey?

Are we actually as kind as we could be, or as cruel as we imagine?

Can we be forgiven, or can we forgive?

One headlight to drive by, one headlight to see by, one headlight to guide me.

Our scars are emotional, our stitches are spiritual, and officer, there wasn't a mark on him.

Is it foolish to be arrogant, or arrogant to be foolish?

The jester gets the best parts. People like the Joker.

Clowns frighten people, and yet, they're suppose to bring joy.

Bozo wasn't scary.

Maybe the hair.

Just a bit of stream of conscious writing. It's a writing technique made more popular in the 20th century, and I thought I'd experiment with it in a weird sort of E.E. Cummings method.

er

hmm

we'll see if I do it again.

- M -

Appreciating things.

2009-04-07T18:44:00.000-07:00

Someone once said that we appreciate the little things in life, and often miss them when they are gone. Maybe that indeed is the situation, in which we find ourselves in where we look for some sort of truth to our lives. We don't appreciate the moments in them, the thing that make them work, and the elements that truly inspire us.

A while ago I posted about the best things, small events that were the catalysts for some of the more vivid and best memories that I had. These things were special, if not sacred to me, things that on the surface may not have seemed as much. I realize that even within my circle of friends, the fragility of the moments that define us is extraordinary: We can shatter the supports that define us through careless thought and actions. A case in point: A friend recently dismissed a conversation and came off rather arrogant about it. The dismissal was one of many that could lead to serious issues, and yet, such a small thing in the scope of the person or friendship. It's one of the reasons that I'm convinced that more and more, the pattern I see developing in life is that the large challenges are actually the easier ones, and therefore, the larger successes the ones that aren't as important.

So, is it the appreciation of the smaller things that empowers us, or distracts us with the detail? Are we even aware of our actions on the ramifications they have, or is that a simple switch in some people that has different levels? I think people tend to become unaware of the impact the smallest of actions can have. In other words, the avalanche effect...starting from a small dislodged mass into a unrelenting and furious force. Can casual dismissal do more damage than a outward attack? Considering we live in a more 'enlightened' time, I would say so.

I'm not disregarding the impact of the small things that can have a positive change. Here is the truth: One good action can often undo the effects of dozens of bad ones. One kind word can often offset a bad one. Simply offering a greeting or a sincere thank you is often enough to change both opinions and positions. The simple act of being cordial is often lost, but it has value in the world we live in, for even as we grow into a world interconnected within itself, the human frontier continues to shrink.

I'm trying hard to remain polite these days. I've felt as of late taken advantage of in several venues. and in others dismissed unceremonially. I think that the small things in the past kept me from snapping back with perhaps a bith more rancor than I'm comfortable with, but it's a fraying rope holding that beast of animosity. I think I'm afraid of that, because I know brutal honesty is often the sort of earnest emotion that drives deep wedges. As adults, we need to have those deep and raw emotions placated into a softened form. Again, the smallest of things having the greatest impact/

Enough for now. Interpret as you see fit.

- M -

All Along the Watchtower....BSG

2009-03-21T02:46:00.000-07:00

So, the final episode of Battlestar Galactica has aired, and the questions are mostly answered. I thought I would take a moment and address the ending, as it was something that was for the most part well written, and handled in a way that was true to form.

Without giving it away, I think that the ending and the revelation on both the nature of the universe was quite impressive. The ending didn't cheat anyone out of the answers, but rather left some of them ambiguous, allowing the viewer to interpret.

I will say this, the very ending was down right powerful in my mind.

So....

Outside in the distance...a wild cat did growl.....

The Headless Princess and other stories

2009-03-19T05:38:00.001-07:00

You know, it's one of those things, where you end up being undercertain as to whether something happened to you as a child or not. In this particular case, I was about nine or so when I purchased a book from the school book fair which was filled with ghost stories of all sorts. I remember reading that book over and over until the covers fell apart, and then spending years trying to remember the title of the book.

I remember with clarity a story regarding a headless princess, and thinking it was the most vivid story of the book. Years later, I wondered if I had indeed simply invented the book and/or story, as I could find no trace of it.

Well, thanks to the handy-dandy internet, I've found the story at least.

Like so many things from Childhood, the memory doesn't always live up to actual event, but I still think it's cool none the less.

More later.

Watchmen Sequel!!!!

2009-03-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

I couldn't believe it myself....but proof that someone has truly captured Alan Moore's vision.

The sequel is a proposed animated series.....take a look at the teaser!

Who watches the watchmen? How 'bout a review....

2009-03-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

So it's out, and I would be remiss if I didn't take the opportunity to review the so-called 'most anticipated graphic novel adaption of all time'.

WATCHMEN tells the story of an alternate 1985 Earth, where costumed heroes exist, Richard Nixon is enjoying his third time as president, and the world is careening towards a nuclear showdown between the US and the USSR. In the mixed of it all, an amoral 'hero' is killed by the name of Eddie Blake, the Comedian. With the Comedian's rather mysterious death, a chain of events unfold to suggest someone is trying to kill the remaining costumed figures, perhaps leading to something more sinister.

Originally published as a 12-issue graphic novel series by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon, there hardly isn't a comic fan who is not aware of Watchmen or its impact. The series single-handedly changed the perception of comics an artform, and more importantly, left lasting impressions to a whole generation of writers and artists, for both good and bad. The question is, did the movie live up to the expectations?

The answer is partially yes. The movie isn't the graphic novel, and despite lingering in a decade plus developmental hell, it was what I expected: A good attempt, many of the moments lifted directly from the source material, but ultimately failing to either fully embrace the dark and somber tone of the series or interpret it for the screen. Zac Snyder did a good job as director, and the issue is not with the direction nor the visuals, it's the fact that the source material does not translate well into a 3 hour film. The film is edited badly at points, the dialoge is occasionally difficult if not banal. If you are a fan of the series you'll find issues, and if you've never seen the comics you'll find it hard to follow. The wealth of material that filled up the panels and pages of the series makes it difficult to capture the exact feel, and that's part of the daunting problem that any book to film faces: How much to leave in to have the feel versus how much to take out for consistency in a visual medium?

Casting was for the most part dead-on. I liked the actor who played Adrian Veidt, but not as Adrian Veidt. The Machevellian hero who uses the threat of attack to unite the world is one of those characters I had clearly envisioned in my mind, and therefore, I had expectations. The actor, Matthew Goode, was a good actor, but perhaps not the best choice for that particular character. At the same time, Jackie Earle Haley's Rorschache was dead-on to the comic, to the point that even the voice was how I imagined Rorschache to sound. I was also very impressed with Jeffrey Dean Morgan's Comedian, and while not my favorite Watchmen character, brought a pathos of regret and uncertainty that almost humanized Eddie Blake. I could stare at naken Malin Ackerman all day, but her dialog lacked a lot, and the surprise was Patrick Wilson's Nite-Owl, as both a good casting choice and the character who I felt really embodies the turmoil in the series and movie. In Nite-Owl, you see the last glimmer of hope and goodness, and the crushing feeling of despair.

Too many blind fanboys embraced Watchmen without realizing it was a difficult story to understand. I remember reading it in 1987 and then again in 2000 and still having new insights into the complexity of the plot. That was the strength of Alan Moore's writing paired with Dave Gibbon's artistic style, and sadly, with no disrespect to Zac Snyder, is something that I don't think could ever truly be adapted.

While Watchmen is a good movie, it's not a solid or great movie, it's not something that will have the impact of either The Dark Knight or Spider-Man 2. The film doesn't resonate with the common man, or takes them into the psyche of any of the characters. The film doesn't seek its own voice amid the beautiful visuals (such as Mars) or even the more cautionary tales on the nature of humanity. Instead, it's a good comic movie, something akin to Iron Man, fun to watch and look at, but lacking that ability to not take itself too seriously. The film needed to be re-edited a bit, but I can't take away Snyder's solid attempt; He scaled the K2 of comics, after it said it could not be done. It's not perfect, but it is done, and Snyder has proven himself a capable director with a real eye to the visuals necessary to drive a story, as imperfect as the Watchmen adaption is.

Watchmen deserves its 'R' rating for violence, nudity, and language. It's not a film for the kids, and despite that, there were a few in the theater when I went. Of course, the fear I now have is that it will do well enough that the executives at Warners will want a sequel...one of the few things I would say that Watchmen could not lend itself to.

I give it 3 Smiley Faces out of a possible 5.

Happy St. Mack's Day and Missing those old places, part 2

2009-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, happy St. Mack's day, or as I call it, anti-valentine's day, in honor of our patron, St. Mack of the Knife. For those un-enlightened, I figured last year was the beginning of a new holiday, St. Mack's day, which follows St. Valentines in a sort of protest for those of us who aren't 'in the spirit' as it were.

I had originally planned to write this yesterday, but I changed my mind when I realized that I was just not in the mood to try to express feelings here that I've gone over time and again. Basically, it was about places and times I missed in my life, things in the past that were both powerful in memory that do not exist anymore outside of it. It's a strange thing that we face, and those things are glue that binds our experiences together.

So, Baltimore.

I've ranted about the time spent in Baltimore as one that opened my eyes to the duplicity of people and the nature of pettiness. True, there were people who I considered good friends that dropped me like a hot rock when their use for me was too much. There were people there who did their utmost to bring me down to a level of utter desolation, ranging from the impact they had on me creatively to the people I cared about. It's going to be twenty years since I first went there this summer, and I find myself asking time and again if I would have gone had I known what I know now.

We're often faced with truths that we overlook when faced with negative emotions. I've realized that I had ranted for some time on the problems I had with Baltimore, or the people who did their best to tear me down. There was good things and good people in Baltimore, and despite the fact I don't know if I'll ever really go back, I do miss those times.

I was stupid and 17, and I allowed myself to be swayed by too many people, but the first girl I ever seriously asked out was in Baltimore. That was one of my best memories, although I had dated a girl I cared and still care very much for, it was that moment that really broke a shell I put around myself to survive high school, a shell that still holds a little power over me. I met two of my very best friends in the world, Ray and Phil in Baltimore, and they remain two people I feel close to. I met Leslie in Baltimore, and despite our ups and downs, she's been my friend for over tweny years, and helped shape me creatively while helping me work through issues in my life. I met several friends who I still talk to on occasion, and find that I'm not completely gone from that era and that place when I talk to them.

I remember looking forward to Friday nights, when I would drive up to stay with Keith and Kirsten and we'd hang out and either game, watch movies, or go out. It was a few months really; By January it was over, and like that, things changed. I wasn't completely in the clear as to the reasons, I should have known better, but I was foolish. Those six months were some of the best times of my life, and I felt, really felt like I had a place to belong to, and a place to be part of.

I miss those times, despite everything that was to come and the issues down the way, because for a long time it was something I anticipated, going to Baltimore every weekend, hanging out with my friends, and slowly feeling alive again. I miss going to the old Baltimore Science Fiction Society HQ on St. Paul, it was a good time, even if my car got broken into and I had a lot stolen. It was a time where I felt like I was actually moving forward, and I got to know a better part of Baltimore.

Our memories are often shaped by the people and places in our lives, and we tend to forget that we have a measurable impact on both. I miss the old Baltimore days, from the Fallmeet in which we were all together in friendship to the last Balticon in which we all parted. It was, despite the issues I've with it now, a good time, and a good place to remember.

My regrets are that I don't hear from many of those people anymore. I hear from Phil, Ray, Dan Pipp, and Leslie with regularity, but that's it. Some of those people I don't want to hear from, the ones who did their best to bring me down, and the ones that I feel were not really my friends, but used me as a tool to their own ends. I miss hearing from the people like Tara, who I heard from briefly a few years ago. I miss hearing from Mike who I've not seen in nearly eighteen years. I will always my friend Evan who brought me to Baltimore, but after years of trying to maintain connection and communication, I had to let him slip into memory. I was too tired to keep trying with no response. Those are my honest regrets, and I hope that maybe one day, I'll resolve them.

Well, enough about the past. I'm off to celibrate St. Mack's day.

More later

-M-

Missing those old places, part one

2009-02-13T12:11:00.001-08:00

I guess part of getting older is the idea that the more things change, the more they become more of memory than of reality. What I mean is that you begin to miss some of the things that make up your life once they are not there anymore, specifically in this case places rather than the people or instituitions. Believe me, those topics could take up their own full novels and have done so by better writers than myself.

No, what I'm thinking of are specific places, places that a person actually feels connected to, whether it be a fleeting connection or something more permanent. As silly as it sounds, there are a few that really stand out, and most them that I care to share here are related to books or such. Go figure.

The one in particular was Calinbus Comics and Hobbies in Owensboro, KY. In the early 1980s, Calinbus, outside of the Family Y and the massive olympic pool were my haunts, and I would make a point to hit the store as often as I could. Somewhere I still have one of the business cards from the store, and I remember it being one of the first comic stores I ever went to. Some of my best memories were going to that place with my friend Robert and hanging out, being all of 12 or 13. It was a good time.

Like all things, it too passed away of sorts. It was purchased sometime in the later 1980s, and became Fantasy Limited. I would still drop in when I was in town, checking things out and making a purchase, but I would inevitably find myself looking at the place drift away from what I knew to something else. I guess that's a metaphor for my life in Kentucky, where I would go back and keep seeing all that I grew up with and known drift away from where I was now. It isn't something I'm proud of, because I remember swearing I wouldn't let so much time pass between visits, and now letting several years pass.

I think that's the big issue, missing the place when I was younger and finding myself missing that time in my life, more aptly, the other things that were good there. In a lot of ways, Calinbus transitioning into something else was like me growing up, and growing out of where I was. It's silly that a comic shop would serve as a good example, but it's one that is easiest to translate. I guess another part of that is that I don't even know if I would recognize the place at all, and I think that's also indicative of my relationship with Kentucky. Maybe I'm thinking a lot about home...Kentucky...because I need to go back some day and settle up on old things. Maybe I'm thinking of a period and place in my life that was pure in its simplicity amid an era that was anything but, but I think I miss just knowing that places like that existed, that I was part of that period, and that I miss those days occasionally. Sort of like cerebral phantom wounds that you keep feeling but know that such things have scarred over.

I find myself not certain if even Fantasy Limited still exists. I spent a little bit of time trying to find it today online, only finding the street address and the phone number. I debated calling to see what would happen, and then I realized I didn't really have a need or reason. I'll have to look it up and see at some point, when I head back to Kentucky, which is coming....probably in March.

Too much nostalgia. It makes me think of other places I used to go, and the times associated there. Some good, some bad, but I think that I'll address that in the next post.

Did you know Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin had the same birthday date?

Anyway, more later.

- M -

That weird Battlestar Galactica vibe

2009-02-04T07:38:00.001-08:00

So, I was watching Battlestar Galactica when it hit me.

BSG is Watership Down.

It makes perfect sense. The story breakdowns and violence, the characterizations, and even the quasi-mystical thoughts to it.

I bet it ends the same too, with a character in the future dying and joining the rest.

The question is, is it just the Campbell 'Journey' Story or a real thing. I'm gonna take a look at it.

Hmmm.

All along the watchtower.

2009-01-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

The worst thing about the new year is that early on, you've either given up on your resolutions or have to say goodbyes. As of yet, I've not formally written out my resolutions, and while I'm waiting to see what else on the plethora of things I need to change, I'm forced to deal with a difficult thing and that is goodbyes.

On Saturday, my good friend Wes packed up and headed to Texas. Wes is one of the best friends I've ever had, and even though as of late we've not seen each other as much as we would have liked, Wes has always been around. The thing about Wes is that no matter how much time has passed, he could make you feel like it had been a half hour, and that was a good thing. Wes took the courage to leave everything behind and head off to try his luck elsewhere, and for that, I wish him luck.

Still not ready to discuss gaming. Partially still drained after Marscon, and partially because I'm trying to mentally coordinate what's going to change. A lot of people seemed to really enjoy Marscon, which was a good thing. I think however it will be another week before I want to deal with those things, and I've work to do to get ready for Shevacon if I choose to go. A lot to debate about that (No questions on that either at this time).

Part of me wonders what to do about the upcoming year. I'm choosing to look at it more as a new opportunity; I've still got to decide if I am going to my 20th H.S. reunion...the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think it will be a considerable waste of time. For once, I'm in agreement with an old friend: Why see people that were never really kind to me in the first place, and waste time on a boat around a city I'm not partial to to begin with? Waste of money, time, and energy.

Perhaps I'm getting jaded as I get older, another common factor in these posts: Am I crazy, whiny, or depressed? Maybe all of the above, or maybe just tired...sick and tired....of certain things. I think that a lot of things in the last year have worked counterproductively to revert me to where I was twenty years ago. Is that bad? I don't think so....I think if I had to pinpoint the last successful string of happy thoughts and images in my life, it would have been twenty years ago. Or maybe last year. or the year before that. Who really knows?

Now the real fun begins.

More later.

How the past changes the future.

2009-01-19T12:45:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Monday.

Of course, we never really look forward to Mondays as a whole, do we? The end of the wekeend and the very beginning of the work week, mixed with the awful truth that we've four days (usually) in which things are not very cleverly laid out to await for the weekend. The shock of reality, the terrible blow to the head which forces you to stop and realize you're living in a world where each day has a distinction leading to an event, or away from it.

Hm.

So, this weekend.

How do I describe the feelings, emotions, and ideas from this weekend? Do I say that I got to end a project which took nearly two years? Do I say how I ran into an old friend who I had one of the worst blow ups with of my entire life, far worse than anyone really knows? Do I mention the actual feelings of despair and loneliness that hit so hard I retreated into a dark corner of a hotel room to face them down and be human again? I think I could and probably should say most of those things, and see where I stand after I organize the thoughts.

First, I finished my project. It was more than two years of work, and it was something creatively that I would have loved to seen more of my friends present at. I think that those who attended were happy, and I may or may not post pictures. There were, of course, issues with people, ranging from inappropriate behavior to out and out rudeness. I realize that some of my friends are simply unaware of how they act at times, but am I any different? I doubt it, and it's that realization that really puts me in perspective. Was I happy with the results for the event? I'm rarely happy (well, Ravencon last year), but this was passable, and that was enough.

On Saturday, I ran into an old friend who I had one of the most painful blow-ups in my life with. This friend was someone I truly respected and looked up to, and I got done very dirty by. That behavior is not new, but this was a rather serious incident. It was serious enough it permanently damaged relationships in 2005. It was significant enough that I do not think and still do not think things will ever been completely resolved, and unlike other times where I could walk away, this was one that cut to the deepest part of me. Someday, I think I'll revisit as example the events of May/June 2007 on this blog and finally put it to rest, but this event probably won't be ever fully explored here. It's something that hurt that bad.

Anyway, I ran into this person, and for a moment, I wasn't certain what to do. My friend was still my friend, and so we shook hands, made general pleasentries and small-talk, and ultimately if nothing more, started communication again. I look over this blog and the old one occsasionally and realize that part of my problem is that I don't like people upset with me, and I dont' express when I'm upset or bothered by a behavior until it becomes a problem. As I get older, I realize I just don't give a shit as much, because humanity tends to show its ugliest face to those who are closest to them. Sad but true.

The simple fact is, I'm done apologizing for things I was wrong about for the sake of peace. I think that if I'm in the wrong, and I believe it, then I do owe amends and should do so, but I've spent too many years of my life being the person who was either scuffed up or apologizing. It's one thing to be wrong, but if you are wrong and don't accept it, you're even worse off. I don't feel wrong about incidents in 1995, 2007, and now, I was wrong in what I said or communicated, but not about what I felt. I feel I'm pretty much a person who can forgive nearly anything, and at the same time, am not unapproachable. The past should stay buried, and those unresolved things with them. I however, are not so lucky to believe that will occur though.

I guess I'm getting old. The pain was almost constant on Saturday, and it took everything I had in me to keep it down and not allow either it or anger get the better of me. Part of it was not eating that day (hard to believe, I know), and part of it was trying to keep on track with things. Hard to do, but I did it. I went walking around Marscon on Saturday and felt reminded on things I can't control at the moment: Where I am, what I'm doing, and the status of my life to this point. It's pretty damned hard when you realize that you're that alone in the world, and yet, you're surrounded by people. Many of you, even my friends and casual observers don't know that, or the fact I live like that 24/7 every day, holding it off just long enough to keep myself functioning. I feel pretty used up at times, always have since 1991, and the fact is, I'm still here fighting to keep steady. At any rate, that part of Saturday was something that tore at the core of me, and I'm not comfortable enough here to speak of the specifics.

We don't live in a good place at times, and despite the building of hope and the renewal of spring, it doesnt' really touch those parts of me that I need them to. I think that part of it is the fact that I put those obstructions in my life, and ultimately, I'm probably the only one who can remove them. It would have been nice if people were nice this weekend, and nicer still if more people had showed up...but I take what I can get; the events were full and I think the issues minor. What bothers me I think too many people will interpret one way or another, I simply don't care anymore about that. I'm past certain points, good and bad, and this weekend was a reminder of those issues. I hope that if this was a roadsign, the road flattens out ahead, and the drive should be smoother.

A helluva day

2009-01-15T02:36:00.000-08:00

So, I was prepared to write a post on the importance of Wednesdays. A silly little topic that touched a great deal of my life as Wednesdays were an important day, but two things happened yesterday:

First, Patrick McGoohan died. Those not familiar with Patrick McGoohan, he was a versatile actor, writer, creater, and producer best known for his roles as Number Six in The Prisoner and Edward Longshanks in the movie Braveheart. To me, however, he'll always be John Drake from the quintessential spy series Danger Man.

So, I was prepared to expound on Patrick McGoohan, because Patrick McGoohan to me was the essence of the cool writer/creator/actor with a good sense of wit and more than a sense of creative responsibilty...however...as I began writing, I found out that Ricardo Montalban had also passed away. Best known for playing Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island and Khan in Star Trek. Now this sucks, and I'm not certain how to respond to that. First Bettie Paige, then these two. While not the biggest icons in my life, they were important, and to that, I'm at a loss for words.

I've a new post tonight, but I wanted to take a moment and simply remember two actors who I rather liked and thought would have been nice to hang with.

Patrick McGoohan: 1929 - 2009

Ricardo Montalban: 1921- 2009

Memories of a misspent Strategic Gaming Club in Westminster High.

2009-01-05T11:26:00.001-08:00

Another old post that got caught in the 'Drafts' folder, but one that I felt was important enough not to delete.
_________________________________

It's hard to believe that twenty years went by in a flash. Well, it depends I suppose on what a flash is in my mind, is it something that goes quickly and suddenly or something that lingers, sending cascades of lights that blinds gradually you to the colors. I think maybe that's just a fancy way of saying the time went, and I don't recall it.

What I do recall is the first time I went to the Strategic Gaming Club (SGC) at Wesminster High, where I met some of my best friends, having the club act as both a safe haven and a point of turmoil. I think it was the first place I really felt I could fit in, and certainly the first place in which I found creative footing, not counting my legendary report from 4th grade which I scrapped halfway through the project due to the fact someone in Mrs. Sapp's 4th grade class complained a report wasn't appropriate.

No, it was the SGC which really shaped me in the early days, and made me feel something good after a long time of feeling nothing. I based my weeks on two factors: The weekends and Wednesdays. To me, the SGC was the one time a week where I could be with my friends, and the one day I strove to make happen.

I met a lot of my long-time friends there, and for a while, we were like a disjointed family of connections. When I graduated and moved on, and those Wednesdays were lost as people moved onto different aspects of their lives.

Years later, I returned to the gaming club when I first started college, and saw the generation after our groups still playing on Wednesday afternoons. I rejoined for a while and made several lifelong friends, but it seems to me that nothing ever beat those early days, which I missed quite a bit as I got older and still miss now. I think that for what it was, it was our family, our tribe against the world, and it was how many of us survived the ins and outs of the complicated social organizations of high school.

Years have passed. It doesn't seem the same life now, and while I've managed to connect to many of my old friends, I'm finding I'm usually the only one still in the hobby, or still holding the importance of those days. It was the best time of my life, the first inkling of the bad parts, and the one place where we could still dream big and still hold out hope that everyone had a place, and that everyone mattered. That's what the club meant to me, even now...a place where everyone could have that moment of belonging, and that the game was still about just having a good time without the massive amounts of internal politics. My only regret was costing one of my best friend's their chance at being the president of the club, and for that, for that small thing, I am forever sorry.

I still miss Wednesdays.

More Later

- M -

The new year and the old year.

2009-01-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, I end up taking far more time in updating this than I had hoped. The year has passed, and with it, the idea that we can start again within a new year takes hold. What was last year like? What did you walk away with from it? What lessons were learned? What successes and failures did you face? What were the highs and lows? What are looking forward to in the new year? What are you looking to forget from the last year?

A lot of big questions to be thinking about. For the first time in nearly twenty years, I went to bed before the new year. I figured that was best, put the old year to bed and wake up fresh.

Many things have happened and will more than likely carry over for myself. I am still thinking of the best way to change my life, and so far, I'm doing it albeit slowly. It takes effort, and it's a fight, but it's a fight that has to be fought.

I won't bore you with details. I won't do one of those best/worst moments. I think that it's not my place to share that, as it is a different opinion for each person. What I am going to do is simply be thankful another year has passed, that despite it all, I'm still upright and mobile, and maybe, further along in the journey than I thought, keeping the fire as they say.

I think the things that we face shape us, but I think we shape the things we face too. I don't think we're completely reactive to the world. I think we make the world what it is as much as we are made by it. Again, the journey over the destination.

So that's it then. 2008 was far different, and 2009 is twenty years since I graduated high school. I look back and think how I could have advised myself, what I would have said to myself when facing the future. What directions I should have done rather than have been taken. That's regret, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that heavy burden. Instead, I think it's time to let go and see what's out there.

From the last post, a lot has happened. I've changed jobs, I've lost weight, I've seen my father and mother having to face a lot on their plate, and I've seen a lot more which I do not care to share here. I think it's best as my standard policy on these things to keep those things to myself. Some things aren't public, things we have to face and see. We have to fight those battles and accept those things on our own terms, and pray that those people we are around understand that.

We can't simply accept what will happen without trying. We have to stand up even if everything tells us to stay down. If we don't try, then we lose for certain. There is no measured level of success. Nothing we do is guarenteed, and while experience can teach us certain things,it's really about the way we face our adversity that truly defines us.

So, this year is about facing that challenge, good or bad, for success or failure. The question is, what will you do?

More Later, and most importantly, Happy New Year.

- Mark -

A little something for my friends

2008-11-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

I think this sums it up.

What I'm thankful for?

My friends, family, and loved ones....wherever you are...no matter how much time has passed.

Thanks.

- M -

Posts a long time coming, part 2: The Obama Post

2008-11-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

At some point, I realized there were two posts I wanted to write, but didn't have the time, wording, or even direction I wanted them to go in. Simply put, the topics were vastly different: one decidingly political and one decidingly personal. In the end, however, it was a matter of decision and direction that I felt I needed to adhere to, and to be honest, not something I wanted to share.

But share I decided to do. The first post was about childhood heroes and how they've changed in the modern world, how one person's view is vastly different, and how that vision has destroyed my idea of it. Perhaps I could argue that it matters little, but the fact is, it mattered to me. In that respect, the post was more dedicated to the idea of heroism as it fails at the hands of others. The second post is about how belief rises above that same trap to embrace a greater ideal.

So, I'll admit it, I voted for Obama.

First, let's clear the air. I'm an independent. I'm one of the swing voters, I've voted for both Republican and Democratic candidates, and do not feel swayed by one party or the other. I've looked at the issues more than the political machines, and hoped to find someone who would honestly work to preserve the idea of freedom than lip service.

I've seen pundits in the last eight years paint a picture of what is proper patriotism, all the while tearing down whoever was present in the opposing party. I've seen some of the worst incidents of simple politics which have gotten us nowhere, and simply put, I was tired of it. Then the election started.

I respect John McCain. I respected a number of the stands he took, but in the end, I found that I could not support him. It wasn't his policies I disagreed most with, because McCain's policies were often against the grade, which is how I felt it should be. No, my decision was based on how McCain ran his election, what he decided to do, and what he didn't do. At no point did McCain truly address the issues that concerned the country without referring in a negative tone his opponent. I questioned McCain's tactis, not his integrity, at least...at first. Simply put, you cannot call yourself an outsider when you've been part of the system for two decades.

Now, here's Obama. Here is the thing, I found myself watching him and realizing here was a guy who was thrown to the wolves, and kept himself above that for the most part, speaking about the problems and not the divisions of America. More importantly, while I do not agree with everything he says, I found that he was in his speeches and policies trying to find a middle road for America. The labels that were tossed out by the other side were not being as easily tossed out, no 'Liberal' or 'Conservative'. These were important factors, because ultimately, I wanted someone who would look at the problem and be honest: There is a problem, we may not solve it, but we will try, as a whole country.

The last eight years have been a financial disaster. While I am reluctant to fully say that it's a matter of who was president, it's ultimately about mismanagement. The problems we're facing require a changing of the status quo, and I believe that ultimatley, unlike the independant candidates, Obama represented that idea more to me.

So what does that mean? I believe in Obama's message, not because it's one o f optimism, but that it's a more realistic idea: That the only way we can fix the problems is to face them as Americans. This does not mean that McCain had the wrong idea, but ultimately it was McCain's tone that lost me, and then the association with the last eight years that made McCain feel change wasn't the top agenda, but the status quo.

I've family members who are utterly convinced that there is some secret conspiracy about Obama, which I think is nonsense. Perhaps one day, they'll realize these things are untrue, and that we've just made history. Ultimately, I've only one response for the reasons I feel that we're headed in a direction:

If nothing more, It made me believe anything was possible.

Please, no comments.

- M -

Posts a long time coming, part one - The Cap Post

2008-11-07T13:14:00.001-08:00

There are two posts I've been either reluctant to post, or simply waiting until I had all of my thoughts gathered. Both of these posts deal with elements of my life, either my political standings or of creative arguements that I've either had with myself or with others. I think before I go into my election post, I would take a moment and address the Cap post.

If you've read this, you know comics figure highly in my life. I've defended their value, lamented their current condition, heralded their creators, and spoke about the impact of those stories on my life. I've danced around the issues regarding the Death of Captain America, but I've never really addressed why it bothers me, and why I think that the current editor-in-chief and those he relies on most are simply failing despite their record sales. Mainly, this is a post about why I like Captain America.

My first memories of comics were Roy Thomas's Invaders, as I've said before. Those early books were magic to me, and I got to love Cap above all heroes. He was my favorite, even cooler than Batman, and as my mom would say, that says something. I always saw something noble about Cap, something that was idealistic without being ultimately silly. I liked Cap, because he was hero to me.

I read cap off and on for thirty years, from the Stern/Byrne era through the Gruenwald/Waid era, and the thing that got to me was that there was always something each writer contributed to Steve Rogers: Be it a sense of duty, a sense of honor, or simply a sense of decency. These were good things I was told as a child, and remained good things through my adulthood. I read Cap because he was a hero that despite being out of sorts, out of time, and occasionally unpopular, didn't comprimise belief that a person could make a difference. For that, and the late great Mark Gruenwald and Jack Kirby, I think most writers realized that deconstructing Cap would be a shame.

Then Marvel shifted its focus. First it was Heroes Reborn, where Cap was a pale imitation of himself. There was the New Avengers, with Brian Michael Bendis pulling Cap into directions that simply the character would not go. And finally, Civil War, which was the crowning point of Captain America's engineered downfall, so he could be replaced for sake of a story by a character who was one part Snake Plisskin and one part Wolverine.

So, what makes me angry about this? It's simple: Joe Quesada from the moment he took over as editor-in-chief sought to deconstruct Captain America in every way possible outside of outing him as gay, making him a nazi, or having him become a cartoon embarrassment.

First, there was Red, White, and Black, which was to suggest that Steve Rogers wasn't the first Captain America. I understand and respect the story, but it spits in the face of both the history of Cap, the Dan Jurgens run (which was pretty damned good), and continuity from the Adventures of Captain America Mini-series from the early 1990s. I want to be very clear: An African American Captain America is not the problem, far from it: It's the fact that Isaiah Bradly was inserted over the established history with not one bit of thought to how it would affect future writers.

Secondly, There was The Ultimates, with Mark Millar. First, Millar, you're talented, you'll probably achieve more in your field than I ever will, and for that, I respect you. Now, with that said, you've not one bit of respect for the history, integrity, and creativity of those who came before you. You're deconstructing heroes in directions you think is cool, and right now, it sells...but there will come a day where you won't have that, and I hope, honestly hope, that you realize you're damaging those characters. The Ultimates was at best a shoddy impression of Cap, and sadly, even though it was not 'mainstream', it had an effect, and that effect was to replace the hero I knew with a guntoting uberpatriot who wasn't Captain America...he was more or less a thug.

Third, Bucky. While the series has received rave reviews, it has been something to be said that Marvel had bring Bucky back. This was a bad mistake in the long run, but it's done, there's nothing that can be done about now. Joe's probably very happy, he gets his 'modern' Captain America at the cost of the real one.

Civil War was attrocious, and simply put, it ended my long-time collecting of Marvel Comics. What I saw was not a compelling story, I saw the deconstruction of heroes and carte blanche editing. This was not a story I wanted to see, not a story that should have been told, but there it is. At the end, Cap dies..because what else could you do? Joe was never going to let Cap win, never allow the story to go in a direction where it could have been a simple ending with more an impact...no...it had to end with the effective destruction of the 'old marvel universe' that Joe Quesada, through his actions, has shown himself prone to.

And then Cap died.

Cap was my favorite hero. Cap was always cooler than Wolverine to me, because while he could kill, he chose not to...he chose to be a better man, because, and this is the best part, he wanted to set an example for what America could be...what a person could do...not what they reacted from.

In Joe Quesada's Marvel Universe, Cap could not live as he was. An idealist could not exist there, so the stories flowed, ranging from Zombie Colonel America to a more violent Cap in the Ultimates to a deconstruction of everything Cap was, everything Cap represented...

And then Joe made Bucky Cap.

I have a good friend who doesn't believe me when I said I've given up on Marvel. I've not bought a Marvel book in over a year and a half. It is true, I do read them still, to keep current, to keep relevant information, but it's not the same. While many people say 'It's a comic, it'll be undone' the truth was, as a consumer, my value in the brand was taken away, and while it be made right, I don't think the current editor-in-chief will allow it. Joe's happy with his idea of Cap, and that's sad...because he basically spat on Jack Kirby and Joe Simon.

I miss my hero. I miss seeing someone stand up and represent the best of us, even if that hero is fictional. I debated once with a friend regarding the value of fictional heroes, and I argued that it doesn't matter if the hero is fictious or not, it's the things we learn from them that gives them value. It's the lessons best explained here:

I guess Cap is my hero.

Not Bucky Cap, the real Cap. My hero Cap.

And I wonder, even when Cap returns, and I hope he does....will it matter?

More later

- M -

Ghosts of Halloween Past

2008-11-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Halloween is over, and it doesn't even really feel like it was here.

Is it me, or does Halloween seem to be slowly losing out? I mean, some radio stations were playing Christmas Music early last week, and Thanksgiving is still not even a glimmer anywhere. What happened?

Still, Halloween was here and gone. I should post something today on the election, but I figure too many people are posting on that. No, this is about Halloween.

When you're a kid, there is no stronger pull than Halloween. Kids I think understand the real effect of Halloween, and not just the free Candy. No, Halloween isn't about that (it helps, but that's not it). Halloween is the one time of year a person can be someone or something else.

Now, I'm not getting preachy, this isn't about some deep metaphorical insight in the need to be someone else, but it's the one time of year where if you think about it, it's about adopting another identity to go willingly out to seek scary things. It's also the time of year, outside of Christmas, where neighbors act a bit more neighborly, and that the idea is to have fun.

For my part, I helped with my parent's fourth annual 'Tunnel of Terror', a large PVC and pipe constructed tunnel running the length of their front yard to a makeshift graveyard and a candy station. It's something my mother wanted to do, and I think they have the best time putting it together.

Early after that, I went to a party, and had perhaps one of the best times I can remember with friends. While the drive was a bit far, it was without a doubt worth it. The day after, not so worth it, but it was a good time.

From that, I began to think, what was the best Halloween for me? I have vague memories of my childhood at about age four going to my first real costume party, which ironically was in a large mansion in Hopkinsville with a greenhouse among other things. I suppose that was the defining Halloween, the vague memory of something big happening with people, all adults, in costume and having a good time.

Of all the holidays, the one which I indentify most with is Halloween. I love christmas, it is the one I have the best memories with the family with, but Halloween is the one in which I find I have the most vivid of memories. Well, except for this Halloween in 1995...

Still, I think that ultimately, Halloween has lost very little of its allure to me. Even the two days afterwards, it was still Halloween, a time when things seemed possible, where people went looking for a little fright, and generally enjoyed each other's company.

More later.

- M -

A Flash of lightning

2008-10-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

As many people who read this blog know, I love comics. I grew up on comics from the time before I could read, and my mom would read me old Roy Thomas Invaders issues. I was a child of the silver age, a period where the comics were one part fantastic and one part mythical.

I won't address the failings as I perceive them of the comic market, both creatively and financially. We all bought into the 1990s era of big gun, leg pouch wearing mutant anti-heroes. It was a phase where the style and substance were far more important that the ideals that those heroes represented. Now it's the failed and pale attempt to 'modernize' heroes, which is rampant among the Marvel Zombies out there, and of course, which culiminated in the death of Captain America. No matter what you do, Bucky isn't cap..and it's reminiscent of another change, another iconic death, and the ramifications that it meant.

The Flash was the herald of the Silver Age, as equally as important in comic mythology as the Fantastic Four. The Flash was the everyman hero, who despite his great powers always was guided by a moral center that even his foes respected. A wiser man than myself wrote an Article I can no longer remember the title of on the death of the Silver Age: When The Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns set the stage and tone for the new era of books, it was the death of the Flash that quietly ended the Silver Age.

Why did the Flash have to die? Simply put, the Flash was considered too much an icon of an older ideal, one deemed corny by the editors and readers. Admittedly, the Flash wasn't always the 'coolest' hero, but he was a hero. When you saw the Flash in comics, he always acted in the best interests of society, wouldn't cross a line that the later era heroes often blurred...he was the iconic do-gooder, who some found unable to fit into the modern era. The Flash's death was a big thing to me at the time, it proved that the heroes I had grown up with weren't safe from the sorts of places that comics were headed, and it saddened me slightly because like childhood passing into adulthood, you knew that something had changed.

I did not give up on comics, but I lamented the passing of those great stories and the meanings of those characters, sacrificed to appease newer generations and the tones that sold. Now, please do not mistake me, Crisis on Infinite Earths is perhaps my favorite story, it was the biggest most 'epic' story I think that has ever really been achieved. The Flash had to die in that story, and his death, which ushering in an era that changed things, was heroic and necessary.

The transition to a new Flash was not without its problems, but it was handled well, so well that fans embraced the idea, but that some of the older fans missed the original. For a long time, the Flash had transformed into the symbol of character fatality, a character who would not be raised, one that was a constant in death, like Uncle Ben or until recently, Bucky. There were subtle if not overt attempts to have Barry Allen return, but I put it to you that it wasn't until the need of a hero like the original iconic Flash that writers would find the proper ground to have him return.

And so they have. Grant Morrison's often over-looked Final Crisis has shown me two things: That it is both subtle in its design and as epic as the other series in as of late. Instead of death, it is about change...change from a darker period in comics to something more, well, iconic. While the various crisises have shown the need for the iconic three (Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman), it won't be the big three who will save the day.

It will be the Flash.

It will be the Green Lantern.

It will be those heroes who embodied the idealism of the Kennedy Era, those heroes who inspired artists, writers, astronauts, doctors, and lawyers to believe in the idea of heroism. While Marvel woefully has missed this point, by continually tearing down the iconic nature of their characters (Does Joe Quesada hate Captain America?), DC Comics has realized it is the nature of a hero that needs to be nourished....that needs to go back to a time when the characterization can be strong, and that a hero means being a hero.

Like the Flash.

It makes sense. The Flash should be the character to save the day. The Flash paid the price in saving the universe, and it's time that he returns. And what a return? The Flash literally outraces death in the hour of the universe's greatest need. This is the heroic things that are both big and needed. We don't need another anti-hero...we don't need that mysterious loner who will be explained away until he's not as iconic as he was...we need...the Flash!

So, I look forward to seeing Barry Allen return. I look forward to Geoff Johns's reloaded series, as I did with Hal Jordan's return. Geoff, you are a god among writers, and you have revised and returned most of my childhood heroes, as modern as anything Marvel has put out, but with the strong connection to their origins, and their ideals. Nothing taken away, everything added. I'll break my self-imposed embargo on comic purchases when the new Flash mini-series comes out, because I'm feeling that I won't be disappointed.

Now if Marvel would do the same with Cap....

- M -

Those magical moments

2008-10-01T06:00:00.001-07:00

There are a handful of moments in our lives in which we truly can say 'this is a moment I won't forget'.

These moments are usually fleeting, but stay with us for a long time, that prove that there is goodness in the world, or at least, a bit of self-defining magic that makes us remember the good things about childhood and our lives.

I realize that there have been a few of those in my life, and while they don't seem as particular or as spectacular as some, it is those things that continue to give me hope when I don't have any. Someone once told me Hell was losing hope and giving up on dreams, and for what its worth, I believe them.

- I remember the rainy saturdays with friends doing nothing more than looking at comics at some show in Pennsylvania, completing a set and realizing it wasn't the collecting but my friends.

- I remember the saturday night when I bought my first gaming map set, and being proud at 14 I had purchased it on my on, hanging it up myself.

- Leslie's Halloween party in 1989 when I kissed the girl I wanted to date for the first time.

- The first time I went to GLOBE and felt like I was appreciated for what I could do and my imagination as a GM for the first time.

- Being on the lake in the Land Between the Lakes, losing the fishing reel in 400' water, and laughing so hard I nearly overturned the boat.

- Going with my Grandfather on Saturday mornings to all the Oil Wells, checking readings, and realizing he took me out with him to spend time with me, because things weren't good at home.

- I remember driving to see a friend in Norfolk along the colonial parkway, the rain coming down on a gray day with 'The Fountain' soundtrack playing, defining that moment.

- Going into a used bookshop in Harpers Ferry and realizing that there was something special there, something etheral, something that really made it work for me.

- Going to Scribner's in Colonial Williamsburg and finding some of the coolest books ever, the sorts of things that inspired me and made me want to write.

- Sitting out on the porch in December at the beach and watching the Moon rise up over the Atlantic Ocean, feeling like it was the sort of scene that was a postcard come to life.

- Driving with Crys to Marscon at 10:30 at night, waiting for the Ferry to arrive and walking across the Jamestown Ferry while it crossed the river.

- Looking out over at the Paradise power plant near dusk from Island, KY, with the twilight falling and the lights of the power plant in the distance.

- The entire summer of 1982. It was the last good summer I had for years.

- Christmas of 1981. Still one of my favorite Christmases of all time.

- The saturday afternoon in 1999, when playing Ascension at the West's, everyone was at the top of the game, and it was otherworldly. Still one of the best creative experiences ever.

- Hanging out with Rob and Matt on Friday nights. For a short time, it was a good time simply being with friends, no pretenses. I loved that time, and still miss it, and my friends.

- Staying up all night with Rob Sumner playing the old computer game Phantasie while listening to The Who and the radio, trying to one-up each other. I've had very few friends as cool, compassionate, and honest as Robert Sumner.

- Asking Crys to marry me in the rain under the tree at McDaniel which was my study spot when I was in college. No matter what you think Crys, this was the best day, even in the rain and mud.

- The first night in the college coffeehouse (The original, not the one that was built later), the music and friendship was downright awesome.

- Halloween 1995: Way too much drinking, way too much thinking, and an amazing night barely remembered in which I felt more alive than I had for some time.

Too often, I feel when I write anything I focus on negativity. Today I felt I wanted....needed to address what I considered to be the best. The world isn't full of happiness, partially we have to fight hard for the part we get, and mostly, we need to remember that despite it all, the moments like these may be the only real magic left in the world: A moment in time in which we remember that keeps us going against the darker parts of our lives.

Just some thoughts.

- Mark

The much delayed Babylon A.D. review

2008-09-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

So here we go...

I'm a fan of movies which can be complex enough to hold attention, leave a little area for you to have to think for yourself, and have action...good action. I'm also a fan of the quest/road movies: Where the hero begins at one stage of development (and may not be a hero yet) and must evolve along the way of a journey.

So then you have Babylon A.D.

Based on the novel 'The Babylon Babies', B:AD was long in development, longer still in production, and made the news when a crucial scene had to be shifted due to globally warmed ice sheets being too unstable to film on. Starring Vin Diesel, it was everything that Children of Men was not, and that was, a bleak future where mercenaries are as plentiful as a drop in a hat, and the uber-reality of CoM was more akin to Blade Runner.

What B:AD offers is a another bleak future, but this one is cut up to prevent the film that could be from being the film that is. You can tell that the film isn't the film the director wanted, and the rumor that over forty (40!) minutes were edited out by the studio makes the film that could be even more tantalizing.

So to cut to the chase, B:AD is an okay film. It's not new territory, but it does entertain.

A mercenary (Vin Diesel) is hired to provide protection to a young woman and her protector from Mongolia to New York in seven days. During the perio, the mercenary begins to question the reason for the sudden rush, whether the girl is potentially a biological weapon of messiah, and his role in the life he's led. The story of the future, broken promises and a world where the simple act of hope is not as simple gives the film some depth, and it would have remained a good journey film until the film goes into the second act. Once the trio arrives in New York, the film takes on a choppy quality that you can assume the majority of the edits were engaged in. The film goes from a fairly decently paced story to one where you have to really have a roadmap to follow, and I can only assume this is the part of the film which was sacrified for running time. It's too bad really, because unlike most of the brainless action films out there, the backstory and setting really were crucial and critical, and were decent.

So, is B:AD a good film? It's a potentially great film, but the film you see is not a good movie, it's an o-k film which could have been much much better. I am hoping and will definately purchase it when it hits DVD to see the complete version, because I think That film is the film I should be reviewing, but until then, I can only give it 2 1/2 stars out of four.

Oh one more thing, I like Vin Diesel in this film. Very cool.