So here we are.
First, I wish everyone had a good holiday. It was up and down for me. My uncle Billy passed away, and it was one of those things we couldn't go immediately home to the funeral. Along with that was the holiday and stresses themselves. Each year things seem to drift a little more from 'traditional' holiday fair to the last minute stressed-out twenty-four hour period in which a lot happens. I guess it's one of those things that we try to coordinate better.
And here we stand: The end of the year. It is hard to believe that 2011 is over, and that 2012 is just days away. The uncertainty I entered 2011 with is not there, but neither is the hopefulness or the desire. I guess each year is different, and how we face each year is different.
It's hard to believe it's almost two years since Dad's been gone. I guess the time has been both clouded with that, as well as the fact that the pain is still recent. I think, or I would like to think, that this year was the year of recovery from that period, but I'm not certain, I just don't know.
I think that this year was the beginning of changes in my life, lasting changes, and that things began to move again after a long period of stagnation and pause due to a lot of events. Part of that was due to the fact I had a lot of things change this last year, but also the realization I had changed. I guess that's most of it in a nutshell: That change had come, and I recognized it as such.
That being said, I think it's 2011 review time:
1. New Job: After leaving my older job for one that fell apart in the beginning of 2011, I got a new job which has mostly worked out...mostly. I don't love the commute, but I think it's not a bad job and I'm learning. I'm actually being treated like a co-worker and equal, which was something missing for a long time.
2. Different relationships: A lot of my older friends have come back into my life, and that's good. I had missed a lot of my old friends, and it was nice to see and hear from them again.
3. Giving up comics, part 3: I gave up comics. Partially due to 'The new 52' and partially due to the fact that I'm perfectly willing to hold up for trade paperbacks. It was something that I felt like time was right on, and I'm actually not sorry.
4. Began to learn new hobbies: I began two new hobbies: Book-Binding and knife-making. The knife-making was pretty much an extension of collecting, while one day I just decided I'd like to learn how to bind books and make journals. I've several old books that need to be re-bound, and I thought it would be kinda neat to learn that skill.
5. Reconnecting with Dad: I began to reconnect a bit with my natural father. This isn't an easy thing, but we had a good, if not great, conversation back in Mid-December, and it was what I needed. I think that ultimately, it may lead to things, and if nothing more, I'm at least hopeful.
6. Saying goodbye: Goodbyes are never good, and never something I like to face. I guess part of me had to come to a point with a lot of my relationships in which I had to determine if I was doing right by me, or right by the other person. I think that ultimately, people do need to occasionally say goodbye to friends, lovers, and even family at times. The reasons are usually born out of anger, rage, or uncertainty, but occasionally, it's born out of a need to let go, to move on. I felt it was time to do that in some cases, or at least change the relationship, because I think it was time, it was time to get things in order, and time to remind myself I wasn't getting younger, and I can't shoulder responsibilities or blame for things I can't control.
7. Turning 40: I remember being 11 when I was asked what I thought of where I would be and what I would be doing when I turned 40. I had these images of plans of being a father, being successful, owning my own house, and being able to do the things I liked to do. I never thought I would be where I am, with just myself or still renting an apartment. I guess things don't always work out the way you want them to. I turned 40 and I realized I had begun to feel like I had lost out somewhere...that the best and most hopeful moments of my life had passed me by...that I was just waiting for opportunity that I couldn't see or experience. The feeling was powerful and unshakeable, and it took me months to begin to get rid of it. I'm not saying I'm over it, but I think that things are moving past that.
So, that's the year for me. I think that there was a lot more, but that's what I'm sharing at the moment.
More later
- m-
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