It's not out of guilt I am returning to the blog. I think I was fine just letting things sit for a while, and while I did that, I guess I began to have the notion that I should at least address how I felt 'bout things, and what I should be saying.
Why say it here? Why open up now? I guess mainly because I need to get good with those thoughts that are inside of me, that tear a little bit of me away and make it inhospitable for the better parts of me to truly find their place.
I'm worried. I'm worried 'bout the fact that Ma needs a lot of help and I can't always provide it. I'm slipping away from the things and people I care about, and I'm just beginning to feel like an emotional and spiritually bereft zombie, wandering aimlessly while unaware of how things are.
No, that's not quite it. I am fully aware of how things are. I've made decisions that affect the people closest to me, shut myself off from potential in order to preserve something inside of me, and basically ended up alone. That's the ironic part: The people who think it would be a great curse that you are alone aren't really alone most of the time.
I'm just tired I guess.
More later
- M -
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